To the one that helped me discover my emotions
Hey haha It's super strange trying to write this letter as if I am talking to you because I actually don't remember having a real conversation with you. I included you in these letters because I'm pretty sure you were my first big crush - and whether it was 'love' or not, I think you deserve to be addressed.
I always get a kick out of telling people how I ended up liking you in the first place because it was just the most ridiculous way of having feelings for someone. I still remember it so clearly. It was my first day in a new school and I knew no one. I heard your voice and was instantly intrigued. I'm trying to stifle my laughter writing about this as we speak. Anyway, I do remember telling my new friends the next day about this /godly/ voice I heard and how I was determined to find out which boy it belonged to. That very same day, you were assigned to read the morning announcements. My ears perked up as I heard that voice and excused myself to go to the washroom as a ruse to haul my ass into the school's office to see who you were. Then I saw you - and the rest is history haha. After that day, I discovered we took the same bus to school, we lived in the same building, and that you were 3 years older than me; you were in 8th grade and I was in 5th. Needless to say, you inspired a lot of diary entries and plots to 'accidentally' bump into you.
Of course, after you graduated and left for high school, I had naturally moved on to boys closer to my age. But it can't be denied that you were the first boy I ever had strong emotions for. It was fun while it lasted and such a funny story to tell. You've definitely opened the gates for me....not sure if I should thank you or curse you for that.
I lost contact with you since then, but I hope you're doing well.
Truly,
The girl who prank called your house every week just to hear your voice
To the one that got away
Hey, you. First of all, I just want to say congratulations. I know that may sound sarcastic on a computer screen, but I am genuinely happy for you and your fiance.
I don't think I ever explicitly told you how I felt about you. I think we either just assumed we felt feelings for each and/or was told by a mutual friend that we liked each other. Either way, I don't think you knew the extent of how I felt for you.
Where do I even start?
I was warned about you. By every girl in our grade when I first transferred into our school.
"Everyone has had a crush on him"
And I brushed it off, thinking you weren't even cute. But, boy, was I in for a surprise. Long story short, I fell for you. I did have a thing for basketball players, and you were basically the basketball boy of our grade. Not only that, but you weren't obnoxious about it. You kept to yourself and didn't brag about your abilities. I got to know how sensitive and artistic you really were. And god damn did that make my heart flutter.
I remember having my first dance with you to 'Say Goodbye' by Chris Brown during the End of the Year dance in gr.7. Perhaps that song was foreshadowing of what was to become of us. Anyway, I obsessed about that dance for the longest time. I wrote poems about it....lots of them. I wrote poems about you...about us. I still have them - they give me a good laugh when I'm having a bad day. I remember people making fun of our height difference because you were basically 6 feet tall and I was, well, I was tiny (still am). I think that was when my complex for unreasonable height differences had started. I blame you for this.
I also remember that one time in 8th grade when we had to do an abstract art piece project in class. We were sitting beside each other and I was just so happy doing art with you, knowing you enjoy it. I thought I created something really special that day because I was just in a good mood while making it, and I was so proud of it. I remember getting our marks for it, and you got a significantly higher grade than I did. I expected that result because, to be fair, you were a better artist than me. But you saw it in my eyes that I was disappointed and you tried to comfort me by saying "Wow that's unfair. You should've gotten a higher grade. Yours is way better than mine". And at that time, I knew what I felt for you was more than just a silly infatuation. I was the epitome of heart eyes for you.
I remember saving my allowance for 3 weeks to have enough money to buy you an engraved dog tag for your 13th birthday. I wanted to give you something special because 13 was/is your favorite number (not sure if it changed to 11 at some point, but I may be tripping). I remember telling you it was from our group of friends because I was too shy to tell you it was only from me - I didn't want you thinking I went through all that trouble to get you a present. I hope you still don't have that dog tag because it was ugly ass hell. I'm sorry my sad ass allowance could only afford the lowest quality haha. Anyway, that was the first time I ever bought a boy I liked something. I sacrificed my weekly chili cheese burritos for you. That's when you know it was real.
I remember coming to your house every day after school to watch you and your boys play basketball. I remember befriending your brother and your parents. For the record, your mother loves me - and I worked hard for that shit. There was this one time when I came over on a weekend and it started pouring. We hung out in your room with a couple of other friends. I remember my parents and sister being out of town, and me not having keys to go back home because I was stupid. And you offered for me to sleepover. I remember internally screaming that day. But my parents eventually came home and I was rescued (against my will).
I remember, after we graduated and moved on to different high schools, our mutual friend telling me you liked me but never acted on it because you didn't think I liked you back. I remember cursing you to hell in back in my mind because how did you not see the signs? I came to your house every day. I walked home with you and your brother every day. What part of my feelings was not blatantly obvious?
I remember silently crying to myself when I found out you were going to semi-formal with her. I remember asking you if she was the one who asked you to go or if she did...I remember being left on 'read' before it was even a thing. I remember telling myself she'd just be a phase. Then you took her to prom. Then you celebrated your 1st year anniversary. Your 2nd. Your 3rd....4th....5th and 6th. Then I remember very recently seeing a ring on her finger via Instagram. And even though there was a small pang in my heart, I was mostly happy for you. She seems like she makes you really happy. I've never seen you smile so much since you guys got together. And that makes my heart feel so full.
Sometimes (almost all the time) I take the longer route home to pass by your house and reminisce about old times. 'What could have been' is always a topic of conversation that comes up now and then between family and friends.
Although nothing ever happened between us, I did love you. I probably always will in some way, shape or form.
I wish you all the happiness and love. You're a great guy (from what I remember) and I hope she treats you well.
All the best.
Always,
The girl who slipped through the cracks
To the one that humbled me
Hi, Goobs.
Can I still call you that? It's probably the best that I don't haha. I don't even know why or how I came up with that nickname for you.
Anyway, I want to say I'm sorry. All these years after we had broken up, I hated you. I despised you and even refused to say your name. I told everyone you ghosted me and how much of an asshole you were for doing so. But I was just recently told that I was, in fact, the asshole to you.
You were my first boyfriend and my first kiss and a lot of my firsts. You were a big part of my teenage years. Thank you for that. But I want to tell you that we really were young when we decided to be in a relationship. I was in love with the idea of being in a relationship. Especially because every teenage romcom romanticized boyfriends/girlfriends in high school. I didn't know what I was doing. Don't get me wrong, though, I did love you at one point - I was just not ready to be in a relationship. I didn't know the responsibility that came with it. I was scared off by how much I felt for you and cut it off before it got too intense.
Deep down, I knew I wasn't ready...and I used my parents as an excuse to end us. My parents weren't against us. They did passive-aggressively guilt trip me, but it wasn't excessive. I told you we had to break-up because of my parents, but it was actually mostly me being scared of committing to you. And I had the audacity to keep acting like your girlfriend after breaking up with you. Granted, we were both fools for acting like a couple after our break-up. But I feel I was more at fault. I knew I wasn't ready. So, in other words, I strung you along. And I genuinely apologize. I never realized this was what I did to you until I was put into a similar situation not too long ago.
I had hung out with our mutual friend recently, and your name came up. We somehow got to talking about our breakup and I had expressed my confusion as to why you stopped talking to me.
"You broke him. If he didn't cut you off, he would've been miserable. Seeing your face was a reminder of the hurt."
It hit me - that you moved on so quickly to stop hurting.
We don't talk anymore and you probably hate my guts, but I don't blame you at all. I led you on and when you addressed your concerns about it, I told you that you had no right to be hurt. Who the fuck was I to tell you how to feel? I was a bitch, so you cut me off. Understandable.
All these years, I victimized myself. I told people close to me that you had cut me off so coldly and moved on so quickly. But I forgot to mention the fact that I basically used you. I brainwashed myself to think that you were the one who hurt me and that I was the one who was wronged. I made that my truth for so many years. I was scared and hurt you to protect myself. I am forever sorry for putting you through that - for forcing you into a corner where you had no choice but to completely cut me off of your life. I am genuinely sorry.
I sometimes wonder if you still think of me...good or bad thoughts - do I still cross your mind?
Because I sometimes I ask about you. I want to know if I didn't completely mess you up. I mean I hope not. Last I heard was that you're doing pretty well. You bought a condo unit and everything. I'm so happy for you.
I'm probably still too scared to face you now, but maybe in the future I'll be able to give you a proper apology - to admit that I did you wrong. And maybe start over like you said we would.
Sincerely,
A sorry humbled bitch
To the one who made me value friendship
Yo.
I contemplated on not even writing this letter because I wasn't sure if you made a significant enough impact in my life. I mean I guess you did.
Looking back to when I did like you, I definitely remember hurting a lot. I think it was because you're the first ever friend I've had that transformed into an unrequited love. Everyone that I've liked before or anyone I'm writing these letters to, either isn't my friend anymore or knew I had feelings for them. To this day, you're a good friend of mine and you have no clue I ever liked you.
I think I started liking you in our senior year of high school(?) I'm not exactly sure. It was extremely superficial at that point. You were a heartthrob and I happened to think you were cute (not anymore). But the real feelings started in university. We hung out every single day and sat together for every single class we had. That type of exposure to you obviously amplified my feelings. You also didn't help with your flirtatious and suggestive actions.
But all of this was happening while you had a girlfriend. And I was left eating all my emotions while I was with you - acting like I only saw you as a friend when I saw you as more because I did not want to home-wreck. I blame you for the 15lbs that I gained during freshman year. No, but for real - I remember this one moment where were on the subway and you were gushing about your girlfriend..and my heart was physically aching and I had to concentrate SO HARD to keep myself from crying. It was honestly like a snippet from a sad Taylor Swift music video.
There was a small gap where you were single, but it didn't take too much time for you to find another girl. Not a surprise to me.
Anyway, I soon realized that you were never someone I really wanted to end up with (and vice versa). We're totally better off as friends, and I don't resent you for it. You're a bro and I'm a bro and everything is fine! You greet me on my birthday and you check up on me one in a while - like real friends do. Even though you're an asshole 80% of the time, I honestly value you as a friend.
I have mad love for you, and although you hurt me, I know you didn't mean to. You couldn't have if you didn't know about my feelings in the first place. Let's keep it that way.
Deuces,
Ya bro.
To the one who taught me how to love unconditionally
Hello!~
Seems so strange to include you in these letters because we haven't actually met in person. I mean - my friends would argue otherwise, but that one time did not count.
Anyway, I'll keep this as short as possible.
As I said, we never met. But I feel like I really did love you(?) I honestly don't want to seem like a crazy fan, which I'm sure I probably come off as, but maybe it was more respect than love. I don't know. It was also probably fueled by delusions my friends fed me via Photoshopped images, fan fictions, and just perpetually talking about the possibility of us (which doesn't exist).
As insane as it sounds, I did kind of treated you as my significant other. I was worried when you were sick/hurt (or rumored to be). I got excited every time you posted anything on social media. I supported all your new releases and events. All the while knowing in my heart that you were someone who was unattainable.
In other words, really, you kept my heart busy instead of feeling alone and empty. I've always had so much love to give, but no one to give it to. While I was in that stage of "loving" you, you gave me an outlet. Seems like something super minor, but it really helped me. If I didn't have you as an outlet, God knows how else I would've tried to fill in whatever void I had in my life.
I am not so dedicated to you anymore as I grew busier with life. I'm sure you don't notice because you have so much fans giving you love. But know that I will always try my best to support you as much as I can. I respect you and your passion to do what you love. It's inspiring.
Thank you so much.
Forever,
A fan
To the one who will hurt me
Doodoohead.
That nickname is quite fitting.
So....this is my umpteenth attempt in writing this letter. Every attempt had a completely different message, so just know this is probably going to be all over the place - most likely it'll end up more of a stream of consciousness rather than a letter.
To be honest, I'm still confused as to what I feel about you. I don't know if I hate you or like you or love you or care about you or despise you or some other emotion that I can't identify at the moment. Your whole presence literally shook up my life. I didn't mean to fall for anyone in my final semester. I just wanted to pass my courses and graduate and live my life peacefully - but you showed up.
Where do I begin.....
I remember being really confused when we first met. I've never encountered anyone the way you carried yourself...it was weird, but it intrigued me. That was probably the first point of attraction. I remember when you first hugged me literally 20 minutes after we met. It was such a foreign thing to me - for people to initiate that type of affection instead of me doing so first. I think that's what I fell in love with. And then you just kept on giving me affection and telling me everything I wanted me to hear - eventually leading me to become dependent on all of this like I needed it.
And then it happened. It honestly broke me. I don't know if anyone really knew how affected I was by it...and everyone around me tells me it wasn't even something I should have been worried about but it hit me like a truck. I didn't know someone that could give me so much love could hurt me so much. It was, again, such a foreign feeling.
I did end up hating you for a good minute. But then I couldn't fathom hating you. I can't fathom hating anyone for that matter....but especially you.
Sometimes I'm not sure if the reason I text back is because I truly have feelings for you or if I want to just entertain you and then leave you dry - like some type of revenge ploy.
Anyway...recent events have engraved you deeper into my life. And I want everyone who knows about it to know that I do not regret it one bit. I know what everyone thinks - that I had given you something you have never and will never deserve. But I didn't do it for you. I did it for me. I knew that I wanted it to happen with someone whom I had trusted and someone I had feelings for. As stupid as it sounds, I do trust you. After what you did??? Yes. I may sound crazy...but it is what it is. I still have no regrets.
Now, we're still doing what we're doing...and I'm here telling myself I'm ok with it not involving feelings or a definite destination at the end of this. Most of the time, I am. But there are times when I crave the commitment that usually comes with this. I sometimes crave the reassurance that we'd be loyal to each other and I can tell people how I feel about you. Because right now, I can't. I can't admit to anyone that I love you and that I don't want anyone else right now and that I care about you and your whole being so much. I can't admit that , not even to myself, because that would mean I'm attached which I cannot be because we are just friends who are just satisfying each others' needs. We can't admit that. That would mean we'd be emotionally liable to each other and that would be way too much.
I sometimes wonder if you feel the same way. That maybe you're scared to hurt me eventually and to get hurt, so you pretend you're ok with this arrangement. From an outsider, you seem like you love me. You talk about kids, you introduce me to your friends, you hang out with me without the expectation of getting any, you text me you miss me, etc. I don't know...maybe you do...or maybe you're just really good at pretending. It's hard to tell.
I asked you recently if you thought it was weird that we weren't together, and you gave me a nonchalant "No, I don't think it's weird at all. I don't want to be in a relationship and you don't want to be in a relationship. What's weird about it?". I didn't know how to respond to that. It hurt me a bit kinda. So does that mean I want to be in a relationship with you? Or am I just hurt that you don't want to be in a relationship with me?
We're acting like a couple right now. And more than once a day, I need to stop myself from checking up on you because we're not really a couple. It sucks, actually. Because I just want to give you so much love, but I can't. I shouldn't.
The last conversation we had, we talked about what you were going to do after you graduate. You want to go back to school for something you're actually passionate about. You have big dreams of going to a school in California. I'm so happy you found something you want to work for. But at the same time, it kind of solidified the fact that we will most likely never work out in the long run. Just thinking of being in a long-distance relationship like that makes my heart ache.
Right now, I'm just riding it out. Enjoying this phase of my life. Enjoying that it's with you and not anyone else. It's weird, though, knowing that this has an expiry date of some sort. That one of us or both of us will eventually get hurt after (most likely me, to be honest). But I've realized that you're one of those people that I'm willing to get hurt for. It sounds completely insane and toxic....but I've learned so much from you. I've learned about my worth and other peoples' worth. I've learned about new cultures, new music, new games, new perspectives. Getting hurt is just a small inconvenience compared to all that I've learned and experienced with you. It's hard to understand as an outsider, but you've literally made my life so much more interesting than it was before we've met. And that's why I'm still here.
I may not admit it in person, but I do love you and I always will. I feel loved and cherished when I'm with you. When the time comes where we have to go our separate ways, I won't fight it. I'd probably be broken for a while, but I know it'd be for the best. We have such different aspirations and dreams, we'll most definitely have to diverge. One day, I hope you find someone whom you see yourself ending up with and wanting to commit to - and the same for me. I believe that when I finally find someone who will give me as much love as I am willing to give them, I'll tell them about you and how I found out what I wanted in life by being with you and loving you.
I truly, genuinely love you from the bottom of my heart. And for that reason, I will let you go when the time comes. I won't grovel and beg and try to stay in your life. I will hold my head up high and take what you've given me and go about my way.
But for the time being, let's just enjoy each other while we can.
Yours for now,
My heart
