It feels like a century since I've written an entry here.
I'm assuming no one reads this anymore...but I also assume no one read it in the first place.
I thought I should write an entry today because I was feeling somewhat extra emotional and sentimental haha
Well, I mean I'm sentimental and emotional almost every day, to be honest, but today was just on another level.
It started with me finding this clip of JJK covering Dear No One by Tori Kelly.
....I know what you're thinking: God dammnit, Selene. You were especially emo today because of a korean pop boy star person? what the hell?
Ok ok ok ok...partially yes.....the fact that i heard his voice made me emo.....
However, what made me especially emo was because I somehow related to the song so much to the point where I actually cried haha
It's funny to me now...thinking back to it, but really it kind of hit me at a sensitive spot.
The song is basically about this girl who likes being independent and she's basically okay with being single. In fact, she prefers it. But sometimes she also has moments when she kind of just wants to hold hands and hug and love someone special. But she's singing the song o her future lover....telling them that she will treat them well.....but since he has nobody right now, she's directing it to 'no one'.....hence the title. Bravo, Tori Kelly.
If you know me, this is like my daily mentality. I don't really like the idea of relationships...... because of this thing I have called commitment and trust issues...... also because I just really prefer space and privacy. I can't imagine having to share everything to someone...but I also have my moments where I just have all this love and affection to give, but no one to give it to. My friends are especially affected by this because I try to direct my affection to them, but obviously it's not the same as having one person you can give love to.
So anyway...listening to the song got me feeling all types of ways........
3 things kind of dawned on me:
1) I'm going to be alone forever
2) I'm gonna pine over JJK for the rest of my life because I'm going to be single forever lol
3) There's nothing in my life left to look forward to
The last one is kind of ....really deep.... but yeah...
I just feel like I'm going to school to get a degree to find a job....to....do..what?
Like most people get a job to earn money to support a family and that's what they have to look forward to their whole lives. They have a family and seeing their children flourish and succeed is something that keeps them living their lives.
Since I'm not going to have that.......what the hell am I supposed to look forward to?
This is sounding semi-suicidal, but I can assure you...it's not lol
Ahh.....I don't even know why I'm writing this here.....I just....don't know what I'm living for anymore.
Before I was doing this because I thought it was what I was "supposed" to do.....
but now that I realize I can actually do whatever I want.....I don't know what I want. And I'm kind of just living life in shape of this genetic cookie cutter society has given me....that I don't even know what to do with.
I don't even know what I'm going to do with my degree.
Albeit, my degree puts me in a position to go into a variety of fields.............
The problem is: I don't know what I want to do with my degree.
Wait....this entry is getting really scattered....first I was talking about a JJK cover and now I'm talking about my degree......
Clearly, this is turning into a stream of consciousness type of entry....
Dear no one.....or anyone who is reading this....I'm sorry haha
So I mean......to try and tie everything up in this entry...
I'm just kind of lost in life....in terms of love and career....
I feel like I just need to find inspiration....maybe an epiphany......
But in the meanwhile.....I'm just here.
Dear no one,
I'll keep you posted.
