1 is better than 2 (?)

I've realized I have way too many lonely posts here. 

The theme of being friendzoned and having no chance with the boys I like recurs every so often in my entries. It's actually getting annoying. 

Why am I so obsessed with being w/ someone? Why am I so focused on finding "the one"? 

I mean... 

I hate the idea of committing to one person your whole entire life. I actually am not comfortable about the idea of sharing everything I own with one person. I'm not ok with having that one person around 24/7. 

I can barely stand being with myself sometimes. 

Like...I'm not really sure if I ever wanna get married at all. Or even settle down with one person. 

I have a hard time committing to one song for 3 whole minutes...what makes you think I can commit to one person for my whole life? Geez 

I feel like I've been forced-fed this association between happiness and having a significant other. & I'm calling it bullshit right now. 

I would be completely content with traveling the world single. I'm completely ok not having to share closet space with someone else. I'm fine with not having to fight for my bed covers. I'm not at all upset about not having to spend hundreds on a consumerism-made holiday based on St. Valentine but doesn't really have anything to do with St. Valentine. 

At this point in my life...being single looks really favorable for me. 

I'm not even remotely disappointed that I'm probably going to be single forever. I actually feel like I'm on the right track. 

As long as I have my family, my friends, and my dog, I think I'll be fine...happy, even. 

I need a new job

My job is way too emotionally charged. There's too much going on that isn't professional. People are dating each other, liking each other, talking shit about each other, being fake to each other...

Why can't we all just sell coffee & donuts in peace(?) 

Wow

So I have no chance w kpop idols boys AND real boys? 

Amazin 

Jessica = mak??

Hello, friends. This is going to be a rant related to the kpop industry. If you are not interested, please exit to the right. If you would like to hear me babble and vent, you are welcome to stay. Please sit back and enjoy the show. 

K so Jessica Jung made a statement about how she got kicked out. She tated that she got permission from the [snsd] members and the company to start her own business. When it launched, she said they all congratulated her. But apparently they all flipped the fucking tables and asked her to choose between snsd activities and her business. What the fuck? This story makes no sense to me whatsoever. I don't know what to believe, or who to pity. Right now it's only Jessica giving a statement, so no one knows the full scope of the situation. With that sympathy, my pity as of now, is with Jessica. She's been with this company for 14-15 years. She's been with these girls for like ever. If they really just shitted on her life and kicked her out, then that's extremely fucked up. I'm just thinking, what would the reasons be for being against Jessica's business? This is why I want a statement from the other members. Jessica said that she has always put GG first, that it is her first priority and her business came after that. But anyone could easily lie and say so-and-so was their priority. What if she really WAS neglecting GG activities for her business? I need to know the other side of the story. 

I know some of you are probably wondering why the fuck do I care about this so much? I wasn't even a sone. I have no snsd songs on my music files anywhere. Well i fucking care because this situation reminds me so much of the Sharan situation. Yes, I said her real name because no one reads this anymore (except for a few close friends), she doesn't read it, I don't even think she is aware I have a blogger. But anyway. 

Let's call her..mak, bc she always was proud of her title as maknae in our group of friends. 

We had troubles with Mak from the start. First it was the whole Patricia thing. They were fighting and it was just hard to take sides. That was resolved. But then she stopped going to school ergo missed practices. She did not go to school for 2-3 months and we were at a loss on what to do. She did come back, though I time for the auditions and we actually did pretty well on our performance. This was grade 11, btw. The following year, she did the same thing. She did not attend school for months and it was harder for us to coordinate a practice schedule that catered to her bc most of us were in IB and had actually no time for anything else but homework. We tried, though. We sent her the songs for her to learn at home..we assigned her a song to learn and teach us...we tried. It was difficult for all of us. We were all so stressed, not knowing what to do, aware that this arrangement is not working out. We held a group meeting tellin her to commit to the group. Telling her that we need her to attend school, that we cannot practice without her and we can't just hange our schedules according to HER availability. She was clearly upset. She told us that she was sick and that she has a chronic illness that disables her for months. Ok. I'm not trying to be rude, but this conflicted with some things I saw on her tumblr. She said that she had to quit her other dance thing because of her illness, but she posted something about having a good time or doing a great job at a dance performance WHEN SHE WAS AWAY SUPPOSEDLY CHRONICALLY SICK. So being the skeptical fuck that I am, I did not buy her story as it reeked of bullshit. I'm not saying her sickness was fake or that her story was a complete lie. I'm saying she did not give us the complete story. We basically asked her to quit if she can't handle our practices. (Sounds familiar?) 

She agreed, at first, to commit to the group whole heartedly. But after missing a few days of school yet again, she decided to quit the group. I was upset. We were all upset. Besides the fact that we smelled her bullshit, we really wanted it to work out with her. As much as  possible, we wanted her to stay as it was our final performance. And it was just so sad. To this day, I still wonder how our performance would have been if she stayed. She actually ended up performing with another group...which we were externally happy about. But to be honest, it was a slap in the face for me. She quit our group bc her "sickness" prevented her from practicing with us, but she was able to practice with this other group? Ok. It hurt, to be honest. Because that dance group was our friendship. By her performing with someone else, I mean yes go gurl go do your thang, but it kind of subliminally said "I can't and don't want to work with you guys anymore so I'm gonna work with this group instead". So yeah. 

Why did I babble about g95? Well shit went down bc one side of the situation wasn't properly explained. If mak mhad told us the complete truth, maybe we would've been more understanding. Also, if we had addressed the situation earlier when she first stopped going to school, it wouldn't have built up like this. 

So what I'm actually trying to say is: what if something else is going on with snsd? What if it's not just about Jessica's business? What if the members decided to kick her out for reasons no one is stating right now? What if Jessica wanted to leave, but used her members and company as an excuse to leave so she can do what she actually wants to do? Just like what mak did? 

I just really..need complete answers. There's 2 sides to every story. And I might have bashed mak right now, but I would love to hear HER side of the story. I want to understand. Similarly, before I bash the members of GG, I want their side of the story. 

Frustrated

I've been extremely frustrated these days. 

Mostly about myself and my life. Like what am I doing? All I been doing is work& sleep. 

Sometimes I think yea that's how life is: you work and sleep and work to sleep and sleep to work. 

But shouldn't I be having fun? 

I am 18. Shouldn't I be wildin' out? 

Shouldn't I be making poor life choices? 

Because when else would I make those? 

Ugh. 

Also another thing that frustrates me is my status. Hey hello I'm single. And 90% of the time I enjoy it & I am fine with it.

Ok but there's the 10% of me that actually gets lonely. That 10% kind of wants someone to hug and kiss her other than her dog. Idk 

I mean.................I haven't met anyone who is up to my standards.....but then again, if I do meet someone that meets all my expectations, would I meet theirs?

I am mediocre at best. 

I am not drop dead gorgeous. Ok I admit. 

I am not the skinniest.

I am not the prettiest.

I am not the tallest or palest. 

I am not the most reserved or smartest. 

But wtf am I supposed to do? 

Lower my standards & settle? 

I was always taught not to settle. 

Never settle. Know what you want, and get what you want. That's what my dad told me. 

I want to think someone out there will love me as much as I love them. 

I wanna believe "the one" is out there somewhere. 

But. Is he really? 

Idk. 

But if he is, can he hurry & show up in my life already lol

I'm gettin lonely up in this joint. 

friendzone game: strong

so yesterday was the last day of school & i spent it studying economics with some friends....

one of those friends happen to be rlly cute haha. let's call him joe. 

So joe is extremely good looking, it's almost unreal. 

so anyway....he wanted to get food and he asked me to come with him?

i agreed bc i felt bad. i didn't want him to be alone or anything.

So I went. He got harveys...a burger. 

He asked me if i wanted a bite of his burger? 

this kind of caught me off guard bc who the fuck shares food like that...not me that's for sure LOL

so i kinda caught feels, believe it or not. 

He also asked me to drink from his cola.....i said no to be polite

he offered me onion rings and i appeased bc i feel like he wouldn't shutup if i said no again. 

he was really sweet. he opened doors for me, let me walk in front of him, asked me if i was cold.... 

uhm...

he also bought me candy...which is A+ bc food is the way to my heart lol

so yes... i caught feels. 

but then we started talking and he just got out of a 2 year relationship. 

he said he doesn't talk to his ex anymore bc he's just not the type to keep contact with exes. 

hmm...

He also mentioned that he doesn't want to date anyone from ryerson bc it'll be awkward if they break up and just bump into each other all the time. 

so i guess....i was just friendzoned haha.

which is ok i guess...i'm used to this shit, like what is new? 

haha plus he's too good looking for me anyway.

he's like 6'1...and korean and pretty and nice and ughghguhguhughughughhghghggGHGUHUGHHG

so yeah sure. I'll be his friend.

Not even gonna try and pursue anything from this bc the risk is too high.

bc what if we do date and then breakup? that would suck bc i'd lose a great friend. 

so as much as my feels want to go for it, I shall be his friend.

Just his friend.

And if he happens to like someone else, I'll support him. like a friend would.

because I'm his friend

Just a friend. 

maple pecan DANish

Hi you're cute.

I mean really attractive & very pleasing to look at. 

But idk if there's substance there. 

You know if I were completely shallow I'd go for you in a nanosecond

But I'm not, unfortunately 

I can't even imagine us being together.

Do we even have the same interests? 

Hmmnn.

And if a miracle occurs and you actually develop feelings for a scum-of-the-earth creature like me, would I take advantage of it?

Should I?

Should I take a chance? 

The risk is too high, but you what they say: the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. 

if an even bigger miracle occurs & we do pursue a relationship, would we end up regretting it? 

Idk. But you're still cute. 

hello i am sick & back w a 100q survey

1. Name: Selene/Sam
2. Age: 18
3. 3 Fears: being forever alone, the dark, debt 
4. 3 things I love:   food, koreans boys, my friends

5. 4 Turn ons: 

when guys roll up their sleeves 
when guys can make me laugh
nice smiles
MANNERS 

6. 4 turns off:   

over confidence..like confidence is ok but if you're conceited get away from me
smoking, sorry
picky eater i just canNOT
not romantic at all...like i need to be wooed haha 

7. My best friend:  G95
8. Sexual orientation:   pretty sure i'm straight
9. My best first date:   would you believe me if i said i've never had a date? 
10. How tall are you: haha i'm 5feet tall...but i've heard my docotr say i'm like 5'1 so idk guys idk
11. What do I miss:   my weekends
12. What time was I born:   morning...like 11:10am
13. Favorite color:   red
14. Do I have a crush:   like real person or famous? bc i have both lol
15. Favorite quote:   i don't really have one..uhm idk?
16. Favorite place:  my bed   
17. Fav food:  uhhmm....rlly hard decision uhmm...i just like all food
18. Do I use sarcasm:   never (hint: this is sarcasm)
19. What am I listening to right now:   Boy In Luv - BTS ...as usual
20. First thing I notice in new person:   height, smile
21. Shoe size: 6/6.5
22. Eye color:   Brown
23. Hair color:   Black but dyed it brown
24. Favourite style of clothing: whatever is in y closet 
25. Ever done a prank call? yea lol stupid tho it was stupid
27. Meaning behind my URL:   well..i was in like gr7 & i wanted this to be like a rant blog..what else would be so rant-y than a brutally honest child? LOL
28. Favorite movie:   Hercules (Disney Version) 
29. Favorite song:   Don't ask me this. This is a dumb question
30. Favorite band:   i don't have a fav band per say but kpop group? as of now it is BTS
31. How I feel right now:   my head hurts & i feel nauseous  
32. Someone I love:   my mom?
33. My current relationship status:   sexy, free, and single lol actually more like ugly, lonely & fangirl
34. My relationship with my parents:   i'm kinda sorta close with them? they get annoying sometimes but yknow al of them do.
35. Favorite holiday:   boxing day bc shopping
36. Tattoos and piercing i have:  no tattoos but want one. i have both my earlobes pierced
37. Tattoos and piercing i want:   i may want my cartilage pierced idk yet. i want the roman numeral of my birthday or just 95 behind my ear maybe idk lol 
38. The reason I joined Tumblr:   it was kind of a bandwagon thing. This isn't my first acct. My first account was like really hipster and mainstream (paradox i know)...but i've decided to make this one bc i needed to fuel my kpop obsession 
39. Do I and my last ex hate each other?  well yeah probably. bc he's just a NO and he probably thinks the same for me. our relationship was just rlly stupid and i'm pretty sure both of us regret it. 
40. Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?  not right now. i mean when i do get them it's from my friends lol i'm still waiting for a guy to text like that
41. Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?   nope
42. When did I last hold hands?   i actually have no clue...but i hold my mom's hand all the time? lol
43. How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?  1hr takes a lot to turn an ogre into a somewhat human looking thing
44. Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no it;s winter & what would be the point in that
45. Where am I right now?   in my room
46. If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?  my friends. who else 
47. Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?  yea. my ear start to hurt if it's too loud. unless i wanna drown out the world then i turn that bitCH UP 
48. Do I live with my Mom and Dad?  yep
49. Am I excited for anything?   for my paycheck this week
50. Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? not everything no
51. How often do I wear a fake smile?  not that often. if i am not happy best believe i will not smile or even try to fake one
52. When was the last time I hugged someone?  friday
53. What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?  idc lol i'd be like lol goodluck with his saliva problem
54. Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?  probably
55. What is something I disliked about today: i woke up with a fever
56. If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?   Kim Namjoon (i know it's weird it's not Jungkook but like....)
57. What do I think about most?   my future debt
58. What’s my strangest talent?   I can enter the friendzone in less than a nanosecond 
59. Do I have any strange phobias?   feet. i hate it when people wiggle their feet. it is nasty and i wanna die
60. Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?  tbh...idk...i'm not rlly photogenic so like behind i guess
61. What was the last lie I told?   "my workplace is ok"
62. Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?   I usually text but like...if i were to choose i'd choose phone bc i can shit while doing it as opposed to video chatting lol
63. Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?   I believe in both tbh 
64. Do I believe in magic?   hmmnn...no? Optical illusions? yes
65. Do I believe in luck?   yes definitely yes
66. What’s the weather like right now?   cold af bc Canada
67. What was the last book I’ve read?   Why We Broke Up...never finished tho bc i got bored of it
68. Do I like the smell of gasoline?   no
69. Do I have any nicknames?   Sam? Squirrel? the short one? 
70. What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?   I was riding on the handle bars of my uncle's bicycle while he was on it & my foot got caught in the wheel lol it was not pretty  
71. Do I spend money or save it?   i'm not one to splurge...some might say i'm frugal
72. Can I touch my nose with a tongue? nope ):
73. Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?   yes
74. Favorite animal?  i can't pick wtf but if i had to i'd say elephants lol 
75. What was I doing last night at 12 AM? trying to sleep
76. What do I think is Satan’s last name is?  Jeon
77. What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Outro: Cypher - BTS
78.  How can you win my heart?  Tell me you'll cook for me and also understand my kpop obsession 
79. What would I want to be written on my tombstone? " Finally" LOL jk...uhhmmm something sweet like "Her smile is immortal" idek guys i don't think of this shit
80. What is my favorite word?  bitch
81. My top 5 blogs on tumblr:   ka-kassi, dopemons, jrsmp, bang-tan, bkhyu-n lol 
82. If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?  "Education should be free bc we shouldn't have to pay to suffer. Also School shoudn't be about suffering...Also, free healthcare does not mean communism listen the fuck up america lol....Oh yeah jeon jungkook thanks for ruining my life."  
83. Do I have any relatives in jail?   nope not that i know of
84. I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?  invisibility 
85. What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?  "who have you imagined yourself doing the do with?" 
86. What is my current desktop picture?   Jeon Jungkook...
87. Had sex?   nope. i'm still have my v-membership card
88. Bought condoms?   nope
89. Gotten pregnant?   lol i once (more than once) ate so much food that i felt pregnant? does that count?
90. Failed a class?   nope...soon maybe pls anticipate
91. Kissed a boy?   yes
92. Kissed a girl?   y-yes
93. Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?   nO & it upsets me that i haven't ): 
94. Had job?   yea 
95. Left the house without my wallet? yes
96. Bullied someone on the internet? NO WHY WOULD I 
97. Had sex in public?  nope
98. Played on a sports team?  yea
99. Smoked weed?  nope
100. Did drugs?  nope

2014 Resolutions

I am determined to make 2014 a more exciting year. So I shall make promises and try not to break them. Here we go.

00. Be fabulous. DONE
01. Don't take things too seriously. Just go with the flow. Smile more
02. Focus on studies before boys. 
03. Meet new people. Actually socialize.
04. Get a job. Earn dat dough.
05. Exercise at least 2 days a week.
06. Save money.
07. Eat healthier (no junk; but cheat day would be friday)
08. Less naps
09. Learn more kpop dances or dances in general
10. Get G license/Drive on the highway  
11. Be happy with yourself.
12. Keep your room CLEAN ALL YEAR LONG 
13. Take more pictures. Make more memories
14. Get into co-op or an internship (preferably abroad, preferably in Korea, preferably in Seoul) 

Goodbye 2013

wow 2013 is done? I swear people were just freaking about the end of the world on December 1st 2012. 

This is my annual report for the year...

Hmmnnn what happened this past year? I'll put it point form to simplify and to reiterate the MAIN events of the year

- ate @ phyllis' family restaurant for her birthday

- lost a G95 member/friend

- Remira's surprise debut

- got promposed to 

- prom

- IB graduation and survived 

- Last known performance of G95 (twerking)

- High School Graduation

- I received my DSLR

- Ghost Adventure marathons with G95

- Jana's party (got wasted and made bad life choices)

- Kathleen's party (she got a car; constant reminder that i am poor)

- went to Cali & Vegas

- fell in love with a minor 2 yrs my junior (jeon jeongguk) 

- Got G2 and driving like a pro

- drama-rama

- my surprise bday party (2nd one..)

- Freshman year in Ryerson University for da BTM program

- multiple hang outs with Kathleen

- fell for tmnt, and got over tmnt

- spotted 3 cute guys in same program

- EXO / SUHO SUGA DADDY

- met new people & new friends (alizeh, charmaine, fatima, jake, etc)

- became close to Francis & Mel

- Talked to Daniel, a vry cute korean boy

- Jeremy ran to the washroom to avoid me

- Lewie talked to me

- Fell for Lewie

- Found out Lewie had a gf

- Found out Daniel had a gf

- cried

- Finally talked to Jeremy and asked for his name

- Failed math midterm w/ a 26% 

- movies with leiwie, lunch with lewie, shooping with lewie, hesitance to be too close to lewie

- First finals of uni life

- Auntie Ely passed away

- Passed all classes w/ GPA of 3.4 

- multiple attmepts to get crunk 

- month-long sem break

- attack on titan

- heirs

- reply 1997

- the damn blackout that ruined my life

- dyed my hair 

- christmas secret santa party 

- bowling 

- the end 

It's been an interesting year. I can't say it was a good one, I can't say it was bad either. It was definitely interesting, though. Hopefully 2014 will be more exciting and fun as aLL MY FRIENDS BECOME LEGAL.