What intend to find

I don't know if it's jealousy... Or just a recurrence of repressed feelings from a long time ago. But I still have feelings for you. I catch myself sometimes dreaming about what could've and should've happened. But never did. I know it's not right to dwell on 'what if's . All of this isn't right. What I think I want right now .. It's going against what is already perfect. You guys are perfect. Maybe that's why I'm jealous or having these strange flashbacks. You have I wanted, what i want, What I'm looking for, what I intend to find, and what I'm afraid I'll live life without. But you have it with her. And it pains me. It pains me to see it in the hands of someone else. But I'm also happy that you've found it. My feelings are a hot mess. It's ... Idek.

Second, always

Not even mad anymore that I'm always second and often third or w/e in everything I do. I'm just in hs and there's really no one I want to impress in that god forsaken place, so I'm good.