deca dance

What the hell…

Okay I’m back to ranting about something other than IB

If you are just gonna fucking complain to me about this

Then don’t read it.

Get out marvin. Or mel.

Yesterday was hella hectic.

Even after a French debate and a math test…

Even at the deca dance.

This rant will be the shit that went down at the deca dance.

Well, at the beginning…

I was quite happy.

I mean tnmt was socializing with me? Lol

Iunno…

He hugged me and all that poop

And he was all touchy-feely and talking to me at very random times…

w/e…

then later on, I saw voldy.

After that I was pretty torn between the two of them.

Who will I pursue? Lol

Then I saw tnmt fucking grinding with voldy’s ex.

Lol yeah I know. Double-hit for me.

I tried to brush it off y’know.

I mean why would I take that seriously when everyone is grinding on everyone and I’m grinding on girls =.= lol

But then I saw him being touchy-feely with all these other girls..

..which made me wonder if I’m just one of those girls that he does that to.

I fucking hate being led on.

I hate false hope.

So that kind of confirmed that I do not wanna be affiliated with tnmt…

So that’s done.

But even before that Idk why…

But I was always looking for voldy.

Like…I would just stop dancing for some reason and look around…

This went on for like the whole dance.

Then after the dance…I wanted to say something to him

I wanted to start a conversation.

But then it got so crowded and stuff…

And I couldn’t find him.

So I ended up just going home with nana.

Idk man.

Whenever I try to make an effort, theres always something that’s in the way.

Is this a sign that it’s really not meant to be…

Or…is it just a test?

I have no clue.

oh yah... and i had a dream

it was so damn lucid.

i do not wanna describe it...but

let's just say that voldy was in it...

ugh... i hate this lol

lalalalalalala

Feeling a little shitty today.

i slept at 4am...

and had to wake up at 6:30am for school

then i had to do Development and Peace presentations for 6 classes first thing in the morning...

then i was bombarded with a business test on second period...

idk....

i feel like killing myself right now lol

because of all this damn stress...

but somehow i've grown to like it.

does that even make sense?

i like the fact that i'm always busy.

i like how my mind is always filled with tangled thoughts.

i've realized that having such a crappy life, makes you appreciate the beauty of everything around you even more.

before i was in IB...i thought sleep was so stupid.

i'd stay up late to play games and stuff or just stay up late just because i could...since i had nothing "important" to do...

now, i cherish sleep and it has now become a privilege rather than a right.

I have days that i feel like quitting and just sleeping forever,

but then i realize....for what?

okay i get to sleep

okay i get a social life

okay i get to go on tumblr more often

okay i get to do whatever the hell i want.

but something will always be missing.

i will eventually have to wake up.

i will have to have alone time away from my friends.

i will have to eventually log out of tumblr.

and i will soon run out of things i want to do because i have done them all.

it's all gonna seem so easy and boring.

and rather than being fun, it's going to be a tedious routine.

what's life without little challenges?...

lol wut?

hey gurl, heeeey ;P

okay i am super duper annoyed right now.

a lot of factors have made this situation worse.

it's going to be hard to elaborate on that since my blog is now public and

a lot of people have the ability to read whatever is on here...

so while i'm thinking about ways to describe my predicament without

revealing any identities,

imma just talk about the good things that happened to me today.

well...i didn't fail the written part of my bio test!!

in fact, i got an 86!

how lovely! lmfao i actually studied for it, so...

i guess i sort of deserved it, but i'm pretty sure LUCK had a lot to do with it.

uhmmm...also we had like NO HOMEWORK.

well...i still have things to do...

but not the usual full sched.

so yay

okay i'm too lazy to talk about my problems.

plus, i kind of forgot what it was.

lol

time to do some zone work.

and the bio lab

oh, IB.

food chain

lol don't mind the title...it's just the first thing i saw

since i'm doing my bio homework right now.

today was extremely good for me lol

it kind of gave me hope that i would get through my current rough patch with

this emotional sentimental garbage.

w/e you wanna call it.

i CAN get through this.

and i do not need anybody

to be happy (:

wut

i'm so stoopid, honestly.

i cannot make up my mind on how i feel about you.

some days i wanna stab your face,

and some days i just...wanna talk to you.

But you know what?

this is not my fault.

well, it is partially, but you have a part in it toooooo

i mean, MAKE UP YOUR MIND..lol

i'm being a hypocrite atm, but WUH-EVAH

most days you don't even acknowledge my existence...

we have eye-contact...then you look away like i was transparent.

and in extremely rare days like today... you say hi to me like no bad blood was shed between us.

like...what in the butt?

either phase me out completely so i can get over your ass

or

talk to me so i can get a proper closure to GET OVER YOUR ASS, and we can be friends.

i'd like the second one better...

but it's the harder option.

i can be the bigger person and be the one who acknowledges you first,

but...

honestly, the fact that you have the power to just shoot me down, the fact that you can refuse being friends with me, the fact that you might hate me because of the choices i made....terrifies the shit out of me.

i just can't deal with exerting a maximum amount of effort into reconnecting with you, and just end up as a failure.

i can't.

it might sound cheesy, but i don't wanna lose you again.

as a friend.

cuz honestly, we did not have stupid arguments until we were "official".

none of this crap would have happened if you didn't pursue me, and i didn't pursue you.

it wouldn't be as awkward now if we just stayed friends in the first place.

but that was quite inevitable.

we were young, pubescent teenagers that craved affection.

but somehow acting upon those emotions ruined us.

so our friendship was the best relationship we had.

and hopefully we will have again soon.

the next rant will probably be about you being an ass,

but you know...

i think i seem mad and say i loath you because i try to block out my feelings for you with hate.

i mean...i still care.

but i don't want to because of the possibility that you don't want me to give a rat's ass.

then i would be wasting my energy.

idk, man.

i'm crazy confused with myself right now.

time to get a little bit rowdy.

So I'm here to rant about IB.

not really rant...

but i wanna just give myself a pep talk lol.

today, i got an assignment back from my math teacher...

honestly, i thought i did pretty good...

but then i look at the mark. i got a 1/12.

my heart felt like it dropped to my stomach and the gastric acids started to denature it.

i felt defeated and the rest of the class, i did not listen to the lesson at all.

i was just. shocked.

i never ever in my life gotten anything within 1 digit percentage.

1/12 ... that's 8 percent.

like holy fuck.

this is my wake up call.

i cannot just sit here waiting for the grade to come to me.

i need to work for it.

i need to stop with all of these distractions.

i need to block out stress, and think of it as only a psychological thing.

sleep is not needed. lol

yes it is...

but like.

i need to focus.

it's almost 12am an i have business homework, a biology test to study for, a math lesson to learn since i did not listen today, an i have to get started on a math assignment that is due on wednesday which is the same day as our chapter 5 math test.

math is right now my weakest link.

tomorrow evening is the awards night, and i feel extremely defeated that i did not get a single award.

not even honour roll.

i need to step it up.

no more slacking.

sleep is now optional.

i will now make myself a cup of coffee and do whatever i can to bring all my marks up, especially math.

good bye (:

11.3.11

i have tons to talk about but i have so much work to do that i have to

spend only 7 minutes writing this.

okay so IB is okay now i guess..

i mean im used to it LOL

biology is pissing me off...but i'm trying to NOT rationalize and just do the damn work

french is also making me wanna drop

our teacher is just cray cray...so w/e

uhm...

crosscountry ended.

i mean it had a good run (pun intended)

the people made it extremely fun (:

the running....it was aiiight.

im pretty sure i was on 2nd last on the last race...but w/e

2 girls i wann talk abotu today.

first one...idk anymore

nuff said.

2nd gyal...well...

honestly, im happy for you. i'm happy that you're finally coming out of your shell.

well...i WANNA be happy for you..

but somehow...the way that you're coming out of your box...

it bothers me.

i mean.....i don't like HIM anymore...

that's long gone..but

somehow..when you guys talk and all that jazz...

something deep within me wants to cry of frustration

im still not sure why....but yeah

.........1 minute to go...

well...

i have nothing else to say...

but it's partially cuz i have been sleeping at like 3am in the morning

it ain't good.

it cooks up my brain..

but it has to be done

because IB is the devil's way of toturing highschool kids like me.

so yeah

times up.

BYE <3

IB,crosscountry and you and her.

This will just be a quick rant.

i needed to let out my frustrations...so here we go.

the title states what i will be ranting about.

4 things.

IB:

what the frack doe.

why am i in this program? i am killing myself to just barely pass my courses.

i am not the smartest of the bunch. obviously.

but it's actually really hard for me.

FRENCH....i cannot even..

i have been just slacking through french for the past 7 years.

and now they expect me to write in french with ACTUAL SENSE.

like....they never taught me this.

i had teachers that were "cool" ...but they never really taught.

they taught the fundamentals, but never really trained us to use them in real life.

so now i'm screwed.

MATH. <---- i'm not even gonna explain. y'all know i suck at math.

BUSINESS <-- requires so muchreading. i don't read unless it's harry potter or twilight or PPL or interesting. i don't wanna learn about this.

and FYI, i never chose this course....i was tranferred for some dumb reason. fcuk.

i actually like BIOLOGY tho. it's so fun.

CROSS COUNTRY:

what the shit.

i am the least athletic person in my school, yet i am in the fcuking cross country team. what in the butt.

why did i join, you might ask? well....i had this self revelation about 3 weeks ago and i thought i could do whatever if i just worked hard.

I still believe in that statement, but i underestimated the "work hard" part.

it's really making me push my fcuking limits. i never run. it's so tedious and painful...

yet here i am...in a team that competes to do just about that. ugh.

you:

get the hell out of my head.

how many exes does it take for you to realize all your mistakes?

i want an apology.

but obviously i'm not getting one.

you're an asshole.

why did i date you again?

Her:

okay. she's my friend and all....

but she gets on my fcuking nerves.

i cannot believe you have the nerve to say the things you say.

i know for a fact that a lot of people are irritated by the things you say and the things you do.

you're amazing at ******* (not a swear word, i'm ust scared the identity of this person will be somehow revealed)

but that doesnt give you the right to put people down.

you don't need to rub it in our face. we get it..

and if you're so great, why would you **** ***** ?

don't even say that you're **** cuz that is such an old excuse

we all fucking know that you're spoiled...and your parents would obviously agree to have you not ** ** ******.

because of your actions, the whole group is suffering, you dumb bitch.

no wonder you never had a *********.

you're a self-centered diva.

bye

almost 16.

whaddup homeslices,

so....it's 2:20am aug. 31st....

in less than 24 hours, i'm going to be 16 years old.

i don't really know what to think of it.

I'm not quite sure if i should be sad or happy or excited..

i can't say i have mixed feelings about...cuz to be frank...i have NO feelings towards this upcoming event.

another year passed by....

isn't that just a reminder that i'm getting old?

Sweet sixteens are sculpted by society to be this coming of age thing...

the girl becoming a lady.

i'm still a little girl.

and im fat and ugly...

when i was about 8...i thought when i turn 16, i will be this beautiful girl that everyone likes.

obviously that was wishful thinking

cuz im here...

just me.

fat

ugly

stupid

and all.

nothing else to offer really...

when i turn 16 tomorrow...

i will be sad.

i AM a pessimist.

so w/e.

the only think i will be looking forward to is taking my G1.

for real.

maybe my opinion will change tomorrow...but

right now, im feeling kind of like shit.

random facts.

i'll be posting atleast 5 random facts whenever i feel like it.

so here ya gooo.

1. i have a secret youtube channel that i will be posting videos in LOL

nobody knows about it. so HA.

2. I'm trying to grow my nails right now. I am very much tempted to bite them off.

3. it's 4am and i ca't sleep

4. 7 more days til JERSEY! <--i'm going to jersey w/ my lovely fam.

5. it takes me FOREVER to clean my room. cuz i wait til it's supah messy lol bad habit.

6. i will play family feud on my fb account after i post this.

bye.

Alone in life forever, yo.

I'm not one to eavesdrop...lol

well...sometimes people just do shit in front of me like i'm freaking invisible.

so i know lots of stuff that i'm pretty sure i'm not supposed to.

Taking in all the classified information that i retained, i've realized that i'm the only one [in my present group of friends] that hasn't been communicating with an ex.

Do i have some kind of disease. though? I mean... I have always wanted to be friends with an ex, even before i started to be interested in dating.

I have no clue if I'm the problem or if it's him

i admit, i'm very socially awkward.

But c'mon...he's like unapproachable.

He talked shit about his exes when we were together, i'm quite sure he did the same thing when we had 'broken up'.

Am i just supposed to go up to him and say "what's up? hows the hoes?"..

like...there's nothing to say.

Nothing worth talking about atleast.

when starting a conversation with ANYONE....

i usually start with these topics:

1. school/work

2. friends(mutual) or w/e

3. relationships lol

4. problems

5. the weather? (ony when it gets really awks and a conversation must be started)

if i ask the x-man about school...i'm not gonna have anything to relate to cuz he's in academic...and i don't wanna seem like im bragging by talking about my IB tings.

if i ask him about friends...i'm gonna just get frustrated cuz we don't have mutual friends anymore..he dumped them the day he dumped me lol

correction. i dumped him. but you get the point.

it's just gonna be awks cuz my friends are awesome, but he doesn't really know them. and his friends are... the popular bitches and douches that i really have no interest in. so that topic would just go down the drain.

if i talk about relionships. OH LAWD. no. don't even get me started. i don't wanna hear about all these cyatts that he has banged. i don't i really DON'T. but if i do ask him about his love life, i'm gonna seem like i still care about who he's with. which i don't.

if i ask him about problems..he's not gonna tell me the ones worth talking about cuz that closeness has faded to nothing between us. it's gone.

Definitely not going to talk to him about weather...he's not worth it.

so there you have it.

i can't talk to him

it's just not gonna happen.

Yeah, i feel left out cuz i'm the only one who hasn't reconciled with their ex.....

but hey..

i've only had one ex...

maybe it would help if i made more ;)

miss miss.

hey duur.

if you're reading this,

you probably know that i made my blog public again.

YAY!

why?

well...i decided that making it private will just conjure up some rumours about how i have deep secrets..

yeah.

i miss writing in here.

fifty-eight

alright, i got my report card today.

everything was above average.

AWESOME.

wait

no.

life is not that simple.

grade 11 math. standard functions

i got a 58

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

and it is 5 points below average.

wtf

its probably too late to go and register to summer school...

but i asked them anyway.

FCUK.

im so upset.

a 58?

that's gonna look so bad on my college/university application

ugh

6/8/11

whadduuup?

okay before i vent imm just make one quick announcement :

i'm probably gonna make my blogger account private b/c it's really the only place i can truly vent about things AND PEOPLE....

and i'd like my thoughts about certain people to stay private...

i don't wanna start drama or anytihng.

even though only mel probably reads by entries, i still linked this site to all of my social networking accounts...

so anyone that wants to know about me CAN see all of my entries if they wanted to...

AND i don't want mel knowing everything about me...

so yeah.

at the end of the month probably this will happen.

RANT.

uhm not really a rant...

more like ventilation lol

i'm supposed to be working on my french ISU...

but i need a break bro...

i honestly don't know how i can handle a whole year of french next semester ):

anyway.

WHY ARE YOU COPYING ME?...

WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS TAKE WHAT I HAD BEFORE? LIKE WTH?
MAYBE I'M JUST BEING REALLY SELFISH OR W/E RIGHT NOW,

BUT C'MON...

IT CAN'T BE A COINCIDENCE.

YOU LITTLE RAT.

maybe i'm over reacting.. i mean

not everything is about me...

but i swear to all the chocolate in the world

if i notice something else that i had in your ownership i will CUT you.

NINERS SUCK.

hey, this is yet another rant...so get out while you can.

I know i may sound very hypocritical when i say that i don't like niners, but honestly you have to understand that my generation is much different than the niners this year.

So, my friend has a brother in grade 9 and she tells me things like how her brother smokes weed and actually plans to get laid. wtf.

i never in my grade nine year thought of doing those things. i mean i had a boyfriend LOL but i never ever ever would have let him take advantage of me or vice versa.

YUCK haha.

If i did, i would've have been one stupid bitch.

but really..? grade nines? why?
i can understand thoughts of it...but actually attempting it? like what are you doing with your life?

My friend's brother was actually pretty sweet when i first met him.

to be honest, i was a little infatuated with him hahaha

cuz back then he was this cute, caring kid. who occasionally swore and was funny.

but now...he's acting like he's so big and superior.

he's not.

He's just being so freaking childish right now and that upsets me.

I might be generalizing too much, but i think most grade nines this year are acting dumb.

There are some that are chill...mostly the IB kids LOL but the academic and the rest are just getting in my nerves.

i see their tweets and tumblr posts talking about having sex, smoking weed, doing drugs, and getting drunk.

sometimes i just wanna call them up and give them a whole lecture..

like...DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT? YOU ARE BASICALLY A FREAKING INFANT! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT STDs ARE? DID GETTING PREGGERS OR GETTING SOMEONE PREGGERS EVER POP INTO YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT SEX? DID YOU KNOW THAT WEED MAKES YOU DUMBER AND WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HALF OF THE EFFECTS OF DRUGS? DO EVEN REALIZE HOW ALCOHOL CAN DAMAGE YOUR GROWTH? ESPECIALLY CUZ YOU ARE JUST A FREAKING TODDLER? LIKE FUCK. excuse my french.

but it's really making me mad.

You should not do anything that you have incomplete knowledge of.

Clealry these kids don't know half of the shit about sex, drugs, and alcohol...cuz if they did, i bet someone a billion dollars that they wouldn't be acting as stupid as they are right now.

I don't wanna brag, but my generation is actually pretty smart about this. We are not the smartest, but i KNOW that most of the people in grade 10 know the consequences and avoid the by not acting like complete idiots. There are some that disappoint my argument, but w/e.

I wanna do something, but what?

i can't just go up to random niners and tell them about STDs and stuff...i mean that's a little creepy.

Imma just chill here and watch their generation crash and burn, because to be honest, if i did try to do something i don't think they will listen. cuz they are one stubborn pile of little shits that apparently don't give a fuck.

so w/e

i don't wanna waste my time on people that "don't give a fuck"

If any niner of 2010-1011 ever reads this in the future with a baby at 16, anger management, unemployed, failing, and has and STD, imma just say one thing...

You should've given at least one fuck about your future before you did that stupid shit.

bye (:

Oh, the month of May...

This month has been so freaking crazy.

from international night, to the start of exam prep.

i am so tired. LOL

i cannot wait for summer,

although i'm pretty sure it's gonna be a long and hard road to get there.

i'mo not at all excited for exams....

i mean.

last semester wasn't the best.

so...iunno.

ill try my best?

Je ne comprends pas.

hi there.

so, it's like 11:27 pm at this moment lol

i'm supposed to be studying for my french test...hence the TITLE.

but i really don't feel like it..

i suck at french anyway. lol

my last blog was kindah harsh.

uhmm...

maybe i should talk to him before he leaves of some shit.

iunno.

i feel really guilty if i just "pretend" not to care.

i do care...

just...

not like that.

you feel me? haha

well, i don't think i'm making sense anymore...

so imma stop with this topic.

NEW TOPIC!

i got a new phoniiieeeee (:

it's the Samsung Corby touch.

like i love this thing maaang.

it's the bestest.

i'm calling it corby lol

uhmm it's my new best friend..

i need a case for it though..

okay..

imma go study.

bye

GOOD RIDDANCE.

OMG i am so over your shit.

What the hell did i do to you?...

honestly, i'm so glad you are moving schools.

I hope you get someone pregnant and ruin your life.

fuck you.

I honestly don't give a shit if any of your friends see this...

i'm gonna try not to say your name.. but it's pretty obvious who i'm talking about.

your ugly ass self.

f'real.

Don't go calling me stupid and shit. like honestly.

I'm so happy that you're going away...

that way, i don't have to see your fugly face every fucking day.

please please don't come back.

i don't need you

and i never did.

i thought i did cuz i was one stupid bitch...

I have to admit that i did somewhat "love" you.

but you know what...

i really take that love back.

I never keep grudges....
but you are a special one....

i fucking hate your guts.

i honestly wanna kill you.

UGH.

We will never ever be friends again

ever.

I'm gonna ruin your life.

like you ruined mine.

okay, maybe i didn't mean all of the shit i said in this post.

but i'm venting.

maybe i odn't hate you completely...

but i do for now.

I NEED AN APOLOGY FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

but until then.

go fuck yourself.

100 random facts,

1. My nickname is SAM. <--- Selene Alejo Martinez you see what my parents did there?

2. I was born in the Philippines...and lived there until i was 9.

3. I have an older sister.

4. 5 feet exact, beetch.

5. i hate it when people wiggle their toes. it's freaking gross, bro.

6. i love eating.

7. i have a habit of napping after school. it ain't good ):

8. i hate cinnamon. it gives me a headache.

9. chocolate is my life.

10. love my friends.

11. i love hugs. if i could give them to everyone i see, i would. but that would be creepy.

12. i'm scared of relationships...so uhmm...i'm avoid them as much as possible.

13. i really do think i'm a loner. ahaha.

14. i like the colour red. i've liked it since grade 3 cuz my teacher told me it's the colour of the heart ;)

15. if i say i love someone, i really do mean it.

16. i hate math. it drives me craazzy.

17. i have the lowest self-esteem ever.

18. i love my parents.

19. i've smoked before...just one puff...

20. i looove babies. i want one. but like, i don't wanna give birth to one haha

21. i want a puppy.

22. i try to sing, but it never sounds as good as i want it to ;/

23. i think i can cook...

24. i'm in the IB program. but i'm not a genius. quite the opposite actually.

25. my sister says i act black. that racist bitch. lol kidding.

26. ^ i love my sister. i love pissing her off (:

27. i don't have a bestfriend.

28. i COULD be a bitch if i wanted to, but i choose not to.

29. in pre-school, there was a boy who liked me...but i HATED him. now he's a celebrity. smh LOL

30. i hate it when random people ask me for money. I DON'T KNOW YOU.

31. i'm a virgin.

32. i want a gay friend sooo bad.

33. i HAVE a type in guys. uhhmm...it's really sad LOL

34. i don't like liars

35. i don't like people who break promises.

36. i cannot not forgive someone. does that make sense? well, i can't hold a grudge at all. im too soft for it.

37. ^ therefore if i don't talk to you it means i'm shy, it's awkward for some reason, or i think you don't like me..NOT CUZ I'M HOLDING A GRUDGE ON YOU.

38. honeydew bubbletea yum.

39. i love poutine

40. i'm really cheap. no, i'm thrifty. i am really careful with my money.

41. i really like butter. it just makes everything scrumdilliyum.

42. i'm STILL unsure of what i'm gonna be when i grow up

43. i write poems. kindah lame. but yeah.

44. my greatest fear is the dark.

45. ^ next to that is failure and rejection

46. i don't understand vegetarians

47. i'm really shy, but if you get to know me better...i'm pretty much a lunatic

48. i wanna go clubbing when i turn 19.

49. i've drank before...wasn't that great.

50. i'm such a slacker.

51. i hate not being appreciated.

52. my birthday is on the first day of September.

53. i made this blog in 2008

54. my first crush was captain planet. go search him up. he's one sexy beast LOL

55. i used to be in love with Harry Potter

56. i've only had one phone ever in my life that is truly brand-new. the rest were hand-me-downs

57. i don't like shopping with other people. it's supposed to be my ALONE time when i shop :P

58. my celebrity crush (asian) is Aiden Lee Donghae. search him up.

59. i fall in love easily.

60. i'm gonna be 16 this year.

61. i am insecure, like really insecure.

62. i hate being alone.

63. i like writing.

64. i used to be obsessed with anime. i guess it was just a phase.

65. i've watched porn. it was by accident and i will NEVER get my innocence back ):

66. i cry when i lose things. LOL

67. i never cry infront of people. i wait until i'm completely alone...then burst into tears.

68. i'm a hopeless romantic.

69. 40% of the songs on my mp3 are sexual songs LOL

70. ^ i put that fact there cuz it's #69 ;)

71. i'm running out of facts.

72. My favourite kind of cheese is BRIE.

73. i hate disappointing people that expect so much from me..

74. i believe in God. he's my homeboy.

75. twitter is my #1 textmate

76. i'm currently getting a 63% in math.

77. ^ i'm getting a 97% in french! TRES BIEN, BITCH!

78. i was obsessed with Chris Brown. like i wanted to marry him, f'reeal.

79. i love my friends and i will do anything for the ones that are most special to me.

80. i have secrets that i haven't told anyone ever ever ever. ha ha

81. i had a huge pre-demi lovato gap when i was younger. it was hideous

82. i think that older underwear are more comfortable

83. i want to learn how to speak spanish. it's so sexy.

84. me and my fam have conversations about what we're gonna do if we win the lottery. haha

85. i swear a looot when i get mad.

86. i'm scared of the girls at my school. they all seem so superior O.O

87. i like cheeseburgers.

88. i don't get mad easily.

89. i used to pretend i had a guardian angel...maybe i still think so :P

90. i used to talk to myself in the mirror when i have problems that i believe no one would understand. (maybe i still do rofl)

91. i don't think i'm attractive at all. LOL

92. i'm not good with criticism. i take it to heart ):

93. compliments make me happy, even though i have a hard time believing them.

94. i have more than 5 stuffed animals in my bedroom.

95. there is a tv in my bedroom, but it doesn't work =.=

96. my favourite type of pasta is PESTO PASTA. search it up, cuz it's the bomb-diggity.

97. in my freshman year, i hung out with like...6 guys and i was the only girl in our "possy" ROFL...i'm so serious.

98. if i get too stressed...i don't sleep at all....once i didn't sleep for 3 days straight.

99. i have a Harry Potter scar on my forehead... not a lightning bolt, though...it's like a puddle or a poop. OTL

100. i laugh at anything and everything (:

What happened?

This entry is to written to my former bestfriend...

Although i know you probably wouldn't be able to read this...

i just don't have the balls to say it to you up front.

plus, i can never get a hold of you anymore.

so uhhmm....

you've changed.

not like you've grown a couple of inches or gotten a boyfriend change...but

more drastic.

On the bus ride to school...in grade 5

we were jamming to Hilary duff songs...

we were stalking our crushes that were 3 years older than us...

you were sleeping over at my house like every week.

we were BEST FRIENDS.

and we were innocent.

i guess I'm still that same loser, but you've clearly moved off of that phase.

As a teenager who has like a million friends (obviously a joke)

the only way i can be updated with your life is through facebook...

and as i go through your profile...

i thought i was reading someone else's statuses and posts...

i mean..

your pictures are...

how do i say this delicately...

promiscuous.

you have your middle finger up..

you show pictures of you smoking...

and other shit that i really can't deal with.

maybe i have no right to tell you to stop, and i get that...

but what the hell happened?...

i feel like if i didn't move to a different school and stayed with you, you wouldn't be so rebellious.

I feel like shit for leaving you.

and now you're a slut. and it's funny cuz you even admit it.

i like being a loser with you..

i hate this selfish, smoker girl who shows off her boobs and ass and middle finger that you've become.

i don't know what else to say.

really.

i miss you, jelly.

please come back.

nyaaark nyaark nyark (:

is my life really being normal right now?...

I'm just gonna enjoy it while it lasts (:

Do me a favour..

Get out of my life, damnit.

i don't wanna see you or anything anymore.

I mean, i did.

but.

There's no point.

You just got to go.

Fake

Why do i feel like I'm the only one who sees right through your fake, plastic exterior?

I just really don't know how you are pulling this off.

They don't even know th real you.

They don't know who YOU are.

but they do know what you want them to think you are.

except for me.

I'm not stupid.

Forever alone?

okay...so it's like 4am in the morning and i'm still awake...

why..you might ask?

well....as you might know...

Valentines Day is coming up...

im quite certain it's gonna be the same as last year...

just a holiday that really intended for me to realize that i am ALONE AND SINGLE.

hahaha...

i kind of feel bad for myself...

i kind of don't...

well...it's sorta sad that i havent had a valentine in 15 years D;

i know...i'm forever alone.

but then..i feel proud that even after 15 years...i still haven't killed myself yet :P

i've held strong WITHOUT being in a relationship..

(atleast not on valentines day)

For now, Valentine's Day is just a reminder of my independence...

RANT.

So this is another dumb rant.

so 2nd semester is about to start...

well, it's starting tomorrow.

im pretty scared. im committing to myself and GOD that i will do better than last semester..

especially in math..

i know it's a bad goal...but im aiming to be better than BLAGNESHITYIDFHIWSJFIHFSDNFJWS...

har har har...

i will beat that person..

i promise.

what am i doing?

just warning y'all now, imma be cussin all over the plaaace.

so you can just exit and go home.

what in the fuckery am i doing with my life?!?!

i feel so stupid....

i'm fucking failing math, i've been fucking depressed, i talk shit about people who don't deserve to be talked about...

like who is this girl?

i don't even know myself anymore.

first off...

MATH IS KILLING ME. i think i could pass or improve my mark a little if i actually put the effort into studying..but this ignorant bitch that i've become really doesnt give a flying fuck about her DEVIL teacher and her damn grades....i used to be so concerned about gettiing a fucking 70%...and now, when i got a 48% on my math test ..i was just liike "ehh.." .....that's not right.

I'M DEPRESSED. i don't show it to people....and obviously i try to forget the fact that i'm fuckin alone in life..

i still into a guy that's supposedly a douchbag.... like wtf.

my thoughts about this mans is bipolar...

one minute i think he's the biggest ass...and the next, i feel like he's the sweetest thing there.

i should probably be more cheerful about it and be friends with him again....but

yet again, the bitch that i've become is also a motherfuckin coward....

i can't even look him in the eye and say hi.

THAT IS WHACK.

and theres so much more people that i wanna say sorry to cuz i've been talking trash and shit.

i used to be so against gossiping and shit,,,, and now im like the fucking definition of it....

this is just so sad...

im sure the crazy bitch that possessed the real me hasn't completely taken over my life...cuz i still have the decency to know what im doing wrong and try to do something about it.

so whatever...

i vented out, now it's time to be me again...

cuz i really miss her.