What is that trust thing again?

Happy eve of Christmas Eve!


I've come to the conclusion that I do not trust anybody. I mean. I trust people about mundane and simple things. But. Not the really deep things. I'm still in the process of figuring out if that's a good thing or a bad thing.







Trust nobody

H vs B

Why is she so annoying to me?
Maybe cuz she has completely different interests as me. Not gonna go in specifics but. She's annoying af. I can't stand her. Good thing I'm graduating. Cuz I do not plan on keeping in touch with her after highschool.

50 shades of procrastination

1. What eye colour do you find sexiest?

~ honestly, i find hazel eyes so attractive..

2. White milk or chocolate milk?

~ I like both, but if i had to choose... i'd go with white (: 

3. if you could get a tattoo, what & where would it be?

~ I would get my date of birth in roman numerals, either on the back of my neck or my lower hip lmfao 

 

4. Did you grow up in a small town? or in the city?

~ Idk whether it's either one. I would describe it as the GHETTO.

5. Who was your favourite adult as a child? (excluding parents)

~ My uncle Rick. 

6. What is your favourite smoothie flavour?

~ mango/honeydew 

7. Most embarrassing moment of your elementary school years?

~ i have 2. 1) My first time wearing a kilt & i fell flat on my face in the middle of the street while walking to the bus stop in front of all the people waiting for the bus. huhuhu  2) It was the Halloween of gr. 8 & after i set up the camera timer to take a pic of the whole class, i fell while running back to pose. it was freaking horrendous.

8. Most embarrassing moment of high school years?

~ uhhmm... i don't really recall anything atm

9. Favourite athlete?

~ Nathan Adrian, my baby boo ;)

10. Pirates or Ninjas?

~ Ninjas. 

11. Have you ever climbed a tree?

~ yes. not a very tall tree, though.

12. Favourite food?

~ food.

13. If you could have any pet in the world, what would it be?~

~ a dog. lmfao I JUST WANT A DOG TO CUDDLE WITH.

14. What is your favourite body part? (your own)

~ the scar under my left eye.

 

15. What is your favourite personality trait? (your own)

~ My ability to perservere? idk lol

16. Madonna or Lady Gaga?

~ Lady Gaga. Sorry, but Madonna cannot sing for shat.

17. Have you ever watched the Superbowl?

~ sorry, not a football fan. (I'm gonna get a lot of shit for that response) But maybe only because i don't know how it works :$ 

18. What's you favourite sport to watch?

~ BASKETBALL. boom

19. What is the most delicious food you've ever eaten?

~ i don;t wanna seem biased or anything, but i love my parents' cooking.

20. Margarine or butter?

~ butter. Margarine is plastic

21. Fries or wedges?

~ Fries. 

22. Which continents have you been on?

~ North America & Asia. that's about it.

23. Do you get motion sickness?

~ yes. haha. only on boats. not on roller coasters. but i once wanted to bark after i got on the Drop Zone.

24. Backpacks or Satchels?

~ I'm a backpack person. only cuz i have IB to fracking deal with. 

25. Describe your style? 

~ i would describe it as 'whatever-i-find-on-top-of my-clean-laundry-pile' type of style 

26. Favourite cartoon?

~ i loved powerpuff girls lmfao 

27. How you do like your bacon?

~ wtf. uhhm extra crispy...i guess? 

28. City you want to visit the most?

~ Paris. It's overrated, but i want to see it. 

29. Longest plane ride you've ever been on?

~ 23 hr. plane ride. it was HELL

30. Latest you've ever slept?

~ oh, honey...you do not wanna know.

31. Favourite cookie?

~ I'm a huge oreo fan. & chocolate chip. & shortbread. & oatmeal. 

32. Do you pick at scabs?

~ tbh, yes. i don't want to. but i just fond myself doing it.

33. Favourite kind of bean?

~ no beans.

34. Favourite sport to play?

~ sleep

35. If you could move to any country, where would it be?

~ Sweden idk why. but Sweden 

36. what kind of food ethnicity is your favourite? Thai? Chinese? Italian?

~ Japanese.

37. What university course are you taking?

~ Business Management..i think. i hope.

38. Do you eat enough vegetables?

~ no.

39. Do you like horror movies?

~ yes, but i end up paranoid for weeks or months after i watch them.

40. Does sex mean love?

~ no.

41. Nastiest habit you have?

~ when i'm stressed, i bite my nails. it's pretty nasty

42. Do you swear in from of your parents?

~ yes, but not TO them. mostly when i'm watching basketball.

43. Coolest thing you've ever been for Halloween?

~ me.

44. If you could change your natural hair colour, what shade would you want?

~ brown. light brown.

45. Do you want to get married?

~ yes. one day. not now. not anytime soon.

46. Do you use a reusable water bottle?

~ nope....only occasionally. but i really should get into habit.

47. City or nature?

~ it depends on my mood.

48. Do you wear make up?

~ i used to. now i don't have the motivation. i go to school everyday...it's not like i wanna impress anyone in there. 

49. Can you walk in heels?

~ i can last about 5 minutes. then my feet will start bleeding

50. What should you be doing right now?

~ my homework =.= shit 

or sufferriiiiiiing

I'm so unbelievably sick of the work IB is giving me..

i can't even being to express my anger towards the program. 

I recently found this website that apparently says "the truth" about IB

how it's just a fraud & it it over priced and all this crap.

somehow, i believe it. 

but at the same time, i don't.

The website said that IB earns an estimate of over a million for every 500 students it has.

I can kind of see that since the IB fees are fracking high. 

They also said that it teaches crap & is not better than AP.

That, I disagree to.

I have learned a lot in IB...socially & academically. 

I do think it's more demanding than AP...

but i don't have the grounds to say that it's better..

i don't really know how AP operates.

anyway. enough of this website.

I'm just so tired and bitter and tired....

and did i mention, tired? 

I said this last year...i know. and maybe i'm getting a little bit repetitive...

but the amount of work is making me super depressed and borderline suicidal.

i'm not even joking. I am being completely serious.

I am killing myself anyway by having 5 straight all-nighters every week.

why not just end it now rather than having to suffer the slower process? 

I can't even deal.

University application are due soon

and i haven't applied yet...not because i'm confused of whatever

but because i have no time to do so.

You know, the only reason i joined IB was because i was told that it would give me a better chance into getting into a good university and scholarships...

well, i was misinformed.

there are only a limited amount of universities that recognize the IB diploma

and about 90% of the scholarships out there require some sort of excellence in an extra-curricular activity 

WHICH THE IB PROGRAM DOES NOT PROVIDE TIME TO DO. 

FML.

yea, IB says they make students well rounded...

by well-rounded they mean actual FAT students bcos they o not have fracking time to exercise due to the amount of homework and loads of shit they give us...

Some of the work, i get... but commentaries? TOK essays? EE? WHAT THE SHAT ARE THOSE FOR? 

i am not going to live my life making commentaries for a freaking living.

i am not going to use TOK ever in my life. why would i freaking question everything like that? 

idek anymore.

clearly i cannot drop out now. 

i'm just gonna have to stick it out until May of 2013 (if i even survive until then)

i'm honestly hoping that this suffering is worth it...

bcos if it's not, i will be on the news soon -- for having a massive killing spree  of all IB teachers and affiliates. 

what

01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?

~ i don't like anyone rn...so tbh, nohting.

02: what on your body is hurting or bothering you?

~ my back?...lol i constantly need a massage, broooo.

03: what was your last thought before going to bed last night?

~ "i have a shit load to do tomorrow"

04: what are you listening to?

~ the Tv in the background (:

05: what’s something you’re not looking forward to?

~ this week...it's going to be a dooozy 

06: where do you think your best friend is right now?

~ in her room? doing homework probably

07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days?

~ i'm going to assume all questions like this refers to actual lip-to-lip kissing, so no. i have not.

08: sex on the first date?

~ i don't date lmfao

09: kiss on the first date?

~ again, i don't date. but. if i do. kissing on the first date is a possibility.

10: is there one person you want to be with right now?

~ nope. i'd rather be alone right now

11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life?

~ i could write a whole book answering this question, but i think a simple NO would suffice.

12: is there something you would like to say to someone?

~ i have a lot to say to a lot of people

13: what are three things you did today?

~ i ate, slept, watched television

14: would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over?

~ hard question. if we're talking about forever? then i'd rather have them over.

15: what is your favorite kind of gum?

~ spearmint gum. YUM YUM YUM or hubba bubba

16: are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends?

~ nope. i tried. but the other party clearly does not want anything to do with me

17: what is on your wrists right now?

~ nothing 

18: ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with?

~ yes. all the people i like...i have no chance with... huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

19: does anyone have strong feelings for you?

~ i don't think so

20: are you slowly drifting away from someone?

~ i think so...no even slowly... i think it's very rapid

21: have you ever wasted your time on someone?

~ hell to the yezzzz

22: can you do the alphabet in sign language?

~ i used to. not anymore

23: how have you felt today?

~ like SHAT

24: you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on?

~ food

25: what is wrong with you right now?

~ every thing tbh

26: is there anyone you’re really disappointed in?

~ haha yes. highly disappointed in a lot of people 

27: would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now?

~ STARBUCKS. i love coffee

28: why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore?

~ because i'm not. was i ever? idk.

29: how late did you stay up last night and why?

~ 3am...on a saturday. bcos IB ))): 

30: when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

~ last night 

31: what were you doing an hour ago?

~ taking a shower 

32: what are you looking forward to in the next month?

~ new years....and surviving the apocalypse 

33: are you wearing jeans right now?

~ nope. not wearing any pants lmfao

34: are you a patient person?

~ in general, i would like to think so...but sometimes i'm as brittle as rubber in the winter

35: do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?

~ lol i believe so

36: favorite color?

~ red 

37: did you have a dream last night?

~ i didn't have one 

38: are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

~ i'm wearing a huuuuge crew neck. looks like a dress. that's about it.

39: if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be?

~ nathan adrian/lee donghae/zac efron/booboo stewart

40: do you love anyone who is not related to you?

~ yes --> G95

41: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?

~ sure. there's no harm. as long as they don't expect me to reciprocate 

42: do you like meeting new people?

~ yes yes yes yes 

43: are you afraid of falling in love?

~ what's not to be afraid of? it's the worst risk you could ever make, imo.

44: ever self-harmed or starved yourself?

~ lol i cannot starve myself. like i cannot. food is too good

45: has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

~ yea, but they probably lied 

46: have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?

~ always.

WOT

It's been quite some time since I last wrote an entry using a laptop/computer and not my iTouch (:
It feels good to be back with a bigger screen.

warning: [RANT 'BOUT THYSELF] you should exit while you can b/c this is just towards me and no one else. 






















why aren't i enough? wait. I thought I was done with the insecure stage of my life.... apparently it's a recurring thing =.= We had our grad pictures taken today and ... i absolutely hated it. I could blame it on the trainee photographers whom i do not think were even a smidge bit qualified to take pictures, but i'm pretty sure my face/self would've looked the same if it were a professional taking the pictures. I do not like who i am. I do not like what i look like. It absolutely appalls me. The problem is, I'm not sure if this is because I compare myself to other people, I take to heart criticisms of people, or i'm just that disgusting that i am incapable of accepting myself. does that even make sense? idek. And it's not even just appearance. I just - what is wrong with me? I get a damn 93% on one of my tests and I still feel inadequate. I do know it's a good grade, i know it's better than good! but why do i feel so empty? aren't i supposed to feel happy? satisfied? I don't. I feel like i could've done better. But could i? Am i too hard on myself? GDI I AM WORSE THAN THE MOST ASIAN PARENTS EVA. (no racism intended) but idk. i just feel like i'm at the bottom of the spectrum all the time and....it sucks. i hate it and it just makes me feel like poop. idk how to deal with this or what to do to stop it. Can even be stopped? I think i'll just lay low for now. I won't do anything that will attract attention from anyone. (not that anything i do attracts any attention from anyone, anyway =.=) I would hate to say it, but i'm back to being insecure. I'm back to hating myself. woohoo teenager probz / my probz

What intend to find

I don't know if it's jealousy... Or just a recurrence of repressed feelings from a long time ago. But I still have feelings for you. I catch myself sometimes dreaming about what could've and should've happened. But never did. I know it's not right to dwell on 'what if's . All of this isn't right. What I think I want right now .. It's going against what is already perfect. You guys are perfect. Maybe that's why I'm jealous or having these strange flashbacks. You have I wanted, what i want, What I'm looking for, what I intend to find, and what I'm afraid I'll live life without. But you have it with her. And it pains me. It pains me to see it in the hands of someone else. But I'm also happy that you've found it. My feelings are a hot mess. It's ... Idek.

Second, always

Not even mad anymore that I'm always second and often third or w/e in everything I do. I'm just in hs and there's really no one I want to impress in that god forsaken place, so I'm good.

instead of studying for my 2 tests tomorrow...

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

- I think when you love someone, everything about them will look good 

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

- yes. the good ones are worth it. the bad ones too...because you learn from them.

3. Are you a virgin?

- yes, i believe so.

4. Are you in a relationship?

- not with a tangible person right now, no. 

5. Are you in love?

- like the last question...not with a person that i can touch, no.

6. Are you single this year?

- i believe so. 

7. Can you commit to one person?

- I actually think I'm pretty loyal. to the right person, i think i can commit. 

8. Describe your crush

- nathan? donghae? which one. they'e both sexy mofos. that is all 

9. Describe your perfect mate

- honest, loyal, caring, thoughtful, sweet, likes food, cute lol, smart. oh and he has to be a sexy mofo (inside and out) 

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

- Honestly, i don't. 

11. Do you ever want to get married?

- I do. (pun definitely intended)

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

- you know what? i'm pretty forgiving. so, yeah. but if you fool me more than once. then no

13. Do you get jealous easily?

- i wanna say no...but i do get jealous. not very easily. but i do :$

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

- surprisingly, no. not on anyone that's not a celebrity. not right now. too busy for that.

15. Do you have any piercings?

- ears. that's about it.

16. Do you have any tattoos?

- nope

17. Do you like kissing in public?

- wut. no.

20. Do you shower every day?

- most of the time, yes, that is the plan. but when it's winter or too cold, i usually shower every other day

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

- highly improbable. i'm the friend-zone occupier type of gal, ya feel? 

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

- i'd like to think my family is, but... i'm not even sure about that.

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

- cheating is ugly. i can definitely not cheat wtf is this question. i will never cheat. ever.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

- in 5 years, i'll be 22. lol no. i need to enjoy ma single lyf. lol

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

- actually..no. too busy

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

- yes, but some of them were probably lying.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

- yes, a dear friend. 

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

- nope, thank god.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

- heck no

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

- haha yes. i wanted to have bigger boobs OTL and i wanted that knee surgery thing that makes you taller....they only offered it in China.. but only has a 30% success rate =.= i researched it, yes. 

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

- sadly. yes

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

- girl, unrequited love is my middle name.

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

- nope. i am clean.

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

- nope, squeaky clean.

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

- yes. i mean. on the cheek counts, right?

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

- i love them (:

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

- yes

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

- yes

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

- OMG EVERYONE I WANT, I CANNOT HAVE.

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

- haha

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

- wut no. i'm clean, remember?

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

- who really pays attention to that...

43. How long was your longest relationship?

- lmfao 2 months?.. idk. 2 months too long.

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

- 1 

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

- millions. if on the cheek counts. 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

- wut. this survey is really curious about people's sex life.

47. How old are you?

- 17

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

- "okay. cool" i mean it's not like i expected anything else.

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

- n/a

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

- n/a

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

- yes. 

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

- yes. I realized they weren't worth it.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

- n/a

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

- a couple of people, yes.

55. Share a relationship story.

- i have none worth sharing. all boring. sorry

56. State 8 facts about your body

- okay. i have a head, i'm 5 ft, i have 2 hands, both my ears are pierced, i have 10 toes, i'm a size 5...and increasing lol, my hair is pretty long. there you go.

57. Things you want to say to an ex

- nothing?...

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

- cook, play and instrument (including voice), dance, write me a love letter, smile

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

- no.

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

- partner? lol idk what this is referring to.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

- eyes. then smile. 

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

- sexiest?... cook me a home cooked meal.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

- are there different definitions? lol isn't it when something goes into something? idk. 

64. What is your definition of cheating?

- lying is cheating. loving someone (other than family) more than the person you're with is cheating. 

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

- WHAT. NO. n/a

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

- i personally like it when i pretend to not be in IB. oh wait...this question isn't about sex, is it?

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

- with the right person. food has to be involved lol. laughter. hugs. that's all i need.

68. What is your sexual orientation?

- I am a female. 

69. What turns you off?

- B.O. , rudeness, arrogance, vanity, smoking, violence, tattoos (unless you're adam levine), being picky with food...that's only a few. my list is longer.

70. What turns you on?

- illiac crests (search that up), smiles/smirks, humour, food, suits lol, abs. again, the list is longer

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

- WHAT IS THIS. NO. n/a

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

- n/a i'm really sick of these questions

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

- write me a love letter. snail mail and all. like the olden days (: 

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

- I think good looks in general is something very superficial that i look for. but doesn't everyone?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

- uhhmm... walked me home? LOL

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

- ...stay on the phone for 8 hours. that's pretty sweet considering sleep is my favourite thing ever.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

- i don't really care if people in relationships have big age differences. it's the maturity that matters. i personally don't want to date anyone younger than me...but doesn't mean i won't. lol 

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

- oh gosh recently. because they looked happy. 

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

- I tend to say it a lot to the people that i DO love so they won't forget it.

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

- Aiden Lee, Nathan Adrian, Adam Levine, Jennifer Lawrence, Bora Yoon, Zac Efron

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

- my mom (: 

83. Who was your first kiss with?

- lol i refuse to answer

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

- we were too young and reckless. we didn't really know what we were getting into. 

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

- i don't really believe in that type of stuff... i mean i haven't tried so i can't really judge. maybe, idk.