Me me me

I'm just gonna focus on myself for now. Bc I'm so used to focusing on everybody else but myself. I feel like it's time I become a little bit selfish. 

WHY ARE YOU TAKEN??

Oh dear god I hope I didn't link this on my fb for people to see. But w/e.

who would really spend time reading a sad girl's rant? 

Hopefully nobody. 

Ok. Let's start with lim. 

Lim, you are so cute. In the first week of university, 3 guys caught my attention and you were one of them. I just thought you looked shy and cute and I wanted to squish your cheeks. I should've known there was a catch. You're not the best looking guy, but like idc. I don't need a model lol. That ice breaker was the first time I gathered up the courage to talk to you. The human bingo. And to my surprise, you remembered my name! Ahh the feels haha. After that all our interactions were just hi and bye. That's all. Ok now it gets interesting. 

One day I come like an hour early to lecture... And surprise surprise, you did too! You approached me first, which caught me off guard bc I was already mustering up the courage to talk to you and planning out what to say or ask, when you started talking.. TO ME! Haha. Obviously at this point my feels were through the roof. I couldn't even look you in the eye lol. We talked for like 45 mins and it was awkward... But surprisingly you tried to keep the conversation going.. Even though I was clearly trying to look for my friends everytime after I answer your questions in such short responses, you kept talking to me; that really impressed me. It's usually me that needs to keep the conversation going, but you did it for me..and at that point I was feels-central lol. You sat behind me during the lecture, and I felt so bad for not acknowledging you or talking to you or sitting beside you. Sorry. Haha I have other friends that wanted to sit beside me ;$ but then I gathered up the courage to ask you after the lecture if it was your last class of the day. It was. Bummer. I was thinking we could walk to our next class together and talk some more. Oh well. But then right before we parted ways, you told me "add me on Facebook!" Haha. I was taken aback and just said ok. Then we left the room. The whole day I thought about what had just happened. Not like obsession.. But it was so amusing to me that YOU approached ME. That never happens. That was the first time. For me. I know pretty girls get approached all the time, but lol it's me and you know.. Ugly girls club president here haha. Anyway, when I got home I completely forgot to add you bc I was so sleepy and tired. I took a nap. When I woke up, i saw my iPod and it said "LIM HAS SENT YOU A FRIEND REQUEST" and that was when I started to contemplate falling for you. To me, that meant you remembered my name. That you wanted to be my friend. That you waited for my friend request to no avail. And that you decided to take charge and just add me instead. That was impressive. Ok fast forward. You talked to me through fb blah blah blah.. At this time I was trying to be cute and shit bc I was starting to like you. You mentioned you're reading a book: finding Alaska. That was +brownie points bc guys who read might understand my feels for fictional/famous characters lol. I was on the edge of committing to that fact that I liked you and I'm going to try to reel you to my heart in the next few months when you mentioned nonchalantly that it is your girlfriend's favorite book. LOL I LAUGHED TO THE HEAVENS WHEN I READ THAT MESSAGE LIKE I LITERALLY CHOKED/LAUGHED. I laughed bc I thought I was so stupid for thinking it was that easy, for thinking I actually had a chance, for thinking that I could like you. I was so close to falling into that pit lol oh man. Yea.. I was a bit disappointed. I tried to play it off like I didn't give a damn, and you probably bought it. I did care, though. I was sad. Fast forward to last night. We talk on fb often.. But last night I told you how I felt. Well, half of what I felt. I told you that I felt uncomfortable talking to you bc you have a gf. I didn't want to step on toes and disrespect your girlfriend. I told you that there's this unspoken girl rule: you don't talk/hangout/try to be friends with a guy that is taken, unless you were friends with him before his current relationship started. You were confused. But it's a real rule and I had to explain how girls are complicated and emotional and sensitive.  I didn't mention tht I had some feelings for you bc that would make shit more complicated. I acted like I wanted you to take your gf's side and just step away from our new found friendship a bit. But you didn't. You told me not worry and that our friendship won't be a bother at all. I secretly hoped you'd do that. And you did. But now I'm left here. Literally in the friend zone. At first I was sad and confused. But I think I'm fine with it now. I'll be your friend. I'll treat you like no friend has "hopefully" treated you lol I'll treat you like one of my best friends. But I should warn you: do not fall in love with me. I can keep up friendship, but once you fall for me I will end up falling for you too and that'll ruin my plan. My plan of just being your friend and not ruining any relationships. Don't fall for me. It's unlikely that you will, but I'm just warning you. Bc if you step over that line plz know there is no stopping my feelings. I will go for the kill. And I don't want that haha. Bc that would mean I would be putting my whole heart on the line and I could be ruining the platonic relationship I worked so hard to maintain with you. So no. Ideally, you will only see me as a friend. Forever. So that's that. I'll be your friend and I'll be completely fine with it (: 

Now let's move on to JUNGKOOK.

Yes, it seems completely ridiculous to be upset a about a celebrity, an idol! But please here me out haha. Let me explain. So I've known for some time that there are rumors about jungkook's girlfriend or ex or whatever. Something about a girl. I've heard about her, her name, and a picture of her. I didn't think there was sufficient evidence to actually believe it at that point. But yesterday, I found this site while ogling jungkook's pictures.. And it addressed the rumour. And there was this picture of the girl and like a quarter of a guy's face with that guy's hand squishing her cheeks endearingly. Like I said, it only showed like a quarter, maybe even less, than the guy's face. But I know that it's jungkook. I've stared at his pictures too long too many times that I know. I know his face, his features, almost everything about his physical appearance. The picture showed the eye of the guy & I know it's jungkook's cute eye. The picture showed his hands. And I know it's his bulky cute pale hands. I know. It's him and the rumour is probably true. Inductive reasoning led me to this conclusion. I read the article a bit more and found out people are bashing the girl or asking her if it's true, and she responded saying it's not anyone's business what her relationship is with kook. That was it. If it wasn't real, she would've completely denied it or not have said anything. Saying that it's not people's business is a basically saying yes it's true but why the fck do you care? Haha. So why am I so upset about this? Ok here it goes. Bc every guy I seem to like is fucking taken. It always happens. I do not intentionally choose to like people who are already in a relationship. It just feels like I like them and then I find out later on they're already in a relationship. This isnt the first time it has happened! its like the 5th or 7th time! Like the lim situation isn't bad enough. I have to suppress my feelings in real life.. But in my fantasy too? Lol fml. The whole point of me liking someone famous/fictional is that I can imagine or dream that there is a chance of us being together.. An escape from the cruelty of reality. But now, I can't do that. It just- why me? Why MY bias? WHY? ugh 

I'm done, guys. I'm just exhausted. Boys suck. They ruin my life. And I hate them. I hate boys. Good bye. 

If you read this rant up to this point, I congratulate you for wasting your time. And I thank you for choosing to waste your time by reading about my stupid problems lol 

Thanks again (: 

Walk away

I'm really upset. Haha

I've been upset for 4 days now. 

Because.. Let me tell you the story:

So there's this really cute guy (I think he's cute) that I see every now and then in campus. He might even be in my program bc he's in 2 of my lectures. I've been eyeing this guy for weeks. But he hasn't approached me. He seems like the shy type.. Anyway, so last Friday I knew I would see him. So I attempted to look pretty that day, hair makeup and everything. So when I saw him I walked towards him, feeling confident and cute haha. I wanted to talk to him and maybe be his friend or something. But when this man met my eyes..he did a double take, had panic written all over his face and hauled-ass to the washroom. I fast walked to catch up to him.. But he was too fast and he went to the washroom; I can't really follow him there.. 

What was wrong?

Why did he walk/run away?

Am I intimidating?

Or did he know I was eyeing him for so long and got creeped out? 

I'm so angry bc I wanted to talk to him so bad and I put so much effort but.. Do I have something wrong with me?

I feel like he doesn't like me? Idk 

Now I'm trying to figure out whether I should keep trying to talk to him or should I just give it up and walk away? (No pun intended) 

I just... This is dumb. Why am I trying so hard. It's exhausting and dumb and probably pointless. 

Ideally

*I stole this survey from some tumblr chick 

1. Do you need him to be good looking?

It would be the cherry on top of a good personality sundae. I can do w/o, though.

2. Smart?

Yes. Smart enough to not be completely stupid. But not smarter than me bc that would be annoying lol

 3. Preferred age?

BAHAHA funny you should askk... IDEALLY, i would want someone my age. Someone, at most ,5 years older than me is fine. I've always said I'd never date someone younger than me...but I never know, right? *coughJUNGKOOKcough*

 4. Preferred height?

Def taller than me. At least 3 inches taller than me please. I love tall guys. 

5. How about sense of humor?

This is a deal-breaker. If you don't have a good sense of humor, then no thank.

 6. How about piercings?

...ideally...none LOL but pierced ears are fine with me.

 7. Accepts you for who you are?

....no, i would like them to accept the beyonce me. lol OBVI I WANT HIM TO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM. 

 8. Pink hair?

IDEALLY, no. It's brown or black, IDEALLY.

 9. Mushy or no?

Mushy enough to make my heart skip, but not a 5-stage clinger plz

 10. Thin or fat?

You know what...IDEALLY, I would like a guy that is medium built. Not too skinny, not too fat. BUT THEN AGAIN, chubby guys are nice to hug. ALSO, i cannot forget the buff guys...mmm. IDEALLY, I'd like a slightly toned guy. But who really cares...

 11. Black, Brown or White (skin color)?

IDEALLY, I'd like it somewhere in the middle...like tan.. But to be honest, I don't give 2 shits lol 

 12. Long hair or short hair?

SHORT.

13. Plastic or metal?

excuse me?.. 

14. Smells good?

yes plz. one who smells like babies or rivers (: NOT AXE

15. Smoker?

no thanks. never. I don't want cancer

 16. Drinker?

Social drinking, yes. alcoholic, no.

 17. Girl/Boy-next-door type?

 ...i'm not sure what this means...but does that mean cute? or polite? idk.. i guess?

 18. Muscular?

TONED. i'm not really into those juice-head gorilla types... some muscular definition will do haha

19. Plays piano?

Any instrument, really...is a turn on for me.

20. Plays bass and/or acoustic guitar?

refer to answer above.

21. Plays violin?

again...it would make me happy..but not really necessary 

22. Sings very good?

I'm a sucker for singers, tbh. If you have a nice voice...I kind of zone out and nothing else matters lmao

23. Vain?

enough to take of himself...but not like heechul vain bc no thank. I like a humble guy at best.

24. With glasses?

I think it's cute haha. But preferably no.

25. With braces?

I don't mind...what's the difference..

26. Shy type?

shy enough to not be obnoxious. . .but not too shy. I don't wanna be the one striking up conversations all the time.

27. Rebel or Good boy?

in the middle. someone rebellious enough to sneak me out at night for a drive, but good enough to bring to my parents LOL

28. Active or passive?

in the middle.

 29. Tight or bomb?

WHAT

30. Singer or dancer?

OH GEEZ CAN I CHOOSE BOTH? Ideally, I would like both. But a good singer will do for me. 

31. Stunner? 

No. surprisingly. I don't want him too beautiful that people would wonder why he's with me. But I'd like him to be pleasant looking.

32. Hiphop?

it's hard to say...hiphop as in ratchet and ganster? no. hiphop as in good taste in music, yes. 

 33. Earrings?

I don't mind.

34. Mr/Ms. count-my-ex-until-you-drop?

BAHAHA. I would prefer a guy with less exes....but i wouldn't really care. Unless one of his exes are is my friend then...no thank

 35. Dimples?

I love dimples!!!

 36. Bookworm?

no. lol I want him to read and stuff...but not to an excess like a bookworm

37. Mr/Ms. love letter?

what does this mean? ...I actually love snail mail. so maybe. yea.. lol

 38. Playful?

Yes! Ideally, I'd like a guy I can joke around with and be like a best friend. 

 39. Flirt?

no? With me, yes. But to others lol i cannot deal with that shady shit.

 40. Poem writer?

bahahaha... uhm. ideally? idk maybe not poems. Song/lyric/rap writer, YES YES YES

 41. Serious?

At times when needed. but not all the time bc that will not do.

 42. Campus crush?

i d k. I kind of don't want other girls all up on him all the time. But then again, I want to be proud to be with him. eh...i always fall for this kind, though. so yes? i guess?

43. Painter?

I don't care...I'd like him to be artistic, though.

 44. Religious?

Not too religious. but IDEALLY Catholic...but tbh, as long as he ain't satanic or athiest or smth then I'm good. (But i will never convert to his religion, he'll have to convert to mine)

 45. Someone who likes to tease people?

naaahh...maybe me. but not too much. bc it gets annoying & i hate annoying.

46. Computer games geek? Or internet freak?

Most Asians are both..so I don't give a shit lol

 47. Speaks 20 languages?

LOL NO THEN HE COULD CHEAT ON ME W/ 20 GIRLS. English and maybe french or spanish would be nice. korean would also be just short of amazing

48. Loyal or faithful?

they are the same...so i'll say both

49. Good kisser?

It would be nice. kissing is nice lol

50. Loves children?

YES BC I LOVE BABIES

51. Who is your ideal type?

DONGHAE & NATHAN ADRIAN (I would include kook, but...he's the unlikely one in the bunch...he's that one exception that i wouldn't have expected myself to like..) 

I HATE TMNT

Here we fuckin go the fuck again fuck

Do I have a damn condition? Like is this a sickness? Because there is no freaking way a person can be perpetually putting themselves in situations where heartbreak is inevitable. It's just not normal. I know he has someone. I know he's out of my league. I know it'll never happen. But what do I do? I infatuate myself with him fml. This is going to be my life for 4 maybe 5 years: hoping and praying for snow in a dessert. It ain't gonna happen, but I will still want it. The sad part is that i already saw them infront of my face.. But it did not phase this disease that I have. It just kept on going. Really tho. I am doomed. I am so dead. This canNOT end well. In any alternate situations that I see, all will end in disaster. 

50/50

1: What would you name your future daughter?

- ughh..that's a hard one. Aislynn? idk maybe. 

2: Do you miss anyone?

- yes

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

- i would say thank you...but then laugh hysterically  

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

- no 

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

- my IB graduation...and nba finals 

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?

- i went to the airport? does that count? 

7: How late did you stay up last night?

-yes. i always do nowadays 

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

- yes..i think my sister has 

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

- i was laying in my bed lol 

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

- . . . . yes. but -- i wasn't aware that i didn't mean it

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

- probably...but i would rather not 

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

- yes... 

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

- yes.i could go through 3 lives without smoking a cigarette 

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

- yes..no..idk 

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

-unfortunately yes 

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

-LOL BEEN SINGLE SINCE 2010, SON 

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

- yes 

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

- my mom? 

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

- ...i don't remember 

20: Who did you last see in person?

- my dad 

21: What is the last thing you said out loud?

- "I DON'T KNOW" 

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

- no 

23: Have you ever been to Paris?

- i wish 

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

- most of the time 

25: Do you use chap stick?

- sometimes 

26: Who did you last share a bed with?

-myself 

27: Are you listening to music right now?

- nope 

28: What is something you currently want right now?

- water..or any drink 

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

- yes 

30: How is your heart lately?

- lonely and obese

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

- yes 

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

- prom?... wait does my cousin count? bc is so, then it was today

33: What do people call you?

 - selene/sam

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

- yes 

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

- yes ..lots 

36: What are you listening to right now?

- the television 

37: What is wrong with you right now?

- i am lonely and hungry and bored 

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

- idk about that. it had an ugly side. 

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

- i used to..until i realized i was wasting wishes  

40: What is on your wrists right now?

- nothing 

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?

- 145 

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

- in american eagle  

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

- yes and no 

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

- yes 

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

-no 

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?

- watching tv 

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

- NOPE 

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

-alone tbh 

49: Have you ever been to New York?

- yes 

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

- YES 

Get out

You know what? I've had enough of your shit. I'm not tolerating this shit any fucking more. I'm done. With you. And with you. And in case you're wondering, yes this is about YOU.