2010

So this is is it.

My last post of the year 2010

To be honest, i don't really know what the hell im gonna write in this post.

I don't know if i should be thankful and all gung-ho about what happened this past year,

or rant about all the shit that dropped on me.

i gotta say, there was a fairly good ratio of good and bad moments in 2010.

well, to start off, imma just say this loud and clear...

HEARTBREAK.

yea yea, say what y'all want. we all have these.

mines was just really dumb to begin with. lol

im joking...but honestly...that was one of my worst experiences of my life, let alone 2010...good thing im over it though (:

i joined IB...that was sorta a good thing/bad thing. uhhmmm... so far it's being a real bitch to me. especially math LOL

and OH...my first failure: 49% in math. daaaaamnit. and my first late slip =.=

DRAMA. okkkaaaaay, if you are in my inner circle of friends, you would know how much freaking drama i we all went through in 2010...i partially started it... and i was always in the middle of it, so it was probably worse on me than on others....

i've been really bad my self this past few months...you can call it abusing..or whatever...i've been sleeping late...not eating at all... you name it. except for cutting, i don't like blood lol.

I'm sure there's much more crappy stuff that happened this year, i just probably chose to forget most of them.

All of that bad stuff needs to be a diluted a little with some the good things that happened to me this year.

i met great new people and made new friends (: you know who you are.

my math ISU with 3 great people...it was great working with you guys. thanks so much.

getting over that heartbreak.. haha this happened pretty recently and i don't wanna specify too much cuz it would seem lame.

my cousins came to CANADA! they might not be what i expected them to be...but they're amazing. i love 'em.

PING-PONG. yes. this sport allows me to be classified as an athlete without all that sweat! LMAO. im joking... but honestly...it really is hard to play ping-pong. you have to be really skilled ;) haha

MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!... it's in my top 5 days of my life. enough said.

all the sleepovers i've been to .... (:

AWARDS NIGHT... i don't wanna brag and all, but aaahhhhh i got 3 awards! well, not really... 1 honour roll and 2 subject ones.....im pretty proud of myself... and who knew they gave out awards for woodshop?! lmao...

Christmas Concert....well.. i had a solo... but only 1 person heard me, really lol... still, it was a great experience.

theres so much more to mention...

i'm just afraid it won't fit in here.... lol

well, im really excited for 2011...

who know hat highs and lows it'll will bring me....

i'm just happy i have lived another full year with all my loved ones <3

bye 2010..

you will be missed.

im so lost.

i know i have been saying that i'd do this,

but right now it's for real.

Santaaa baby (:

Dear Santa,

Hmmmn, i hope you have blogger...cuz then there would be no sense in me writing a wishlist on my account if you're not going to read it D:

well,

i was going to ask you for material stuff like:

*a digital SLR

*new laptop

*new phone.....not a blackberry

*a dog

*IPAD

*those ebook thingaays

*a legit night-light

*new clothes

*a LOT of shoes

*some designer bags

*a robot that would do all my homework..

*etc...

but i decided that those things won't really make me feel better this holiday season.

all i really need and want this christmas is happiness...

it might be a stupid cliche from stupid chick-flicks..

but i really do mean it..

i mean, last year...i was soooo happy....

and that happiness just went away.

i just want that back.

i want happiness...but i also want to spread it to everyone around me....

you know what else i want though?

CLOSURE.

this christmas, i want all misunderstandings to be set aside...

all stupid fights...

all of that shit.

excuse my french.

but if all of that non sense is out of the way,

im sure happiness is what i'll get this year.

xoxo,

Selene Martinez

LOOL

i have a crazy fantasy that i would have a perfect relationship EXACTLY like Rachel & Fin in Glee.... lol

screw it.

My Perfect Imperfections.

im supposed to be doing my history homework atm, but oh well.

Okay so i heard that there was a trend going on in youtube called "my perfect imperfections"

where youtube stars tell their viewers 3 imperfections or 3 things that they hate about themselves....

then 3 things that they love about themselves...

it's basically to prove that no one is perfect...

i wanna try this trend lol

and since im not a video person O.o

imma just write about it in my blog.

Okay first of all, its so hard to narrow down everything that i hate about myself in 3 things D;

so ill just say the ones that are at the top of my list.

1. MY HEIGHT

~ alright if you know me, you probably know how little i am. im like 5 feet on the dot...maybe not even... i just like rounding up lol but im close enough. i mean... my height refrains me from doing certain things that i wanna do. like i wanted to be on certain sports teams..but im too short to play properly...and uhhmm...at one point of my life, i wanted to be a model..i know it sound ridiculous...but i was young...and my friens told me that you have to be like atleast 5'5 ..im like shyyeeet. lol and most of all...i don't think people take me seriously with my height..they always call me cute..or tiny or whatever...i mean sometimes it's nice and it makes me feel good, but... it gets really repetative...and i don't always wanna be known as just the little asian girl.

2. MY FAT

~ LOL i know i know...so predictable, right?... well, c'mon...im not the skinniest girl our there... and i don't even consider myself as average. i mean i think im like 4 pounds away from being over weight =.= like what is that... also, my 'fat' made me get stretch marks...LOL yuh yuh... y'all probably haven't seen em cuz i don't show them (: it's the very reason why i do not wear skirts or tanktops in public... it kindah goes invisible in the summer, so im okay with wearing shorts....but never in the rest of the year lol. so yeah... and some clothes don't look good on me cuz im fat.BLAH. i hate it. i hate my body (: it's mainly my fault tho, cuz i don't take care of myself.. i mean i sleep late and eat junk..whatever.

3. MY BLEMISHES

~ this doesnt only apply to my face... but yeah... on my face.. i have this huge scar/birthmark on my damn forehead....it looks like everyday is ash wednesday =.= it sucks....cuz everyone thinks it's just dirt.. but it's actually part of my faaaaace. ): it's such an eyesore. it's grossss. lol okay and the other thing... i have these like rocks in my skin.. lol it's so hard to explain. it's like tumours... but smaller and black and not cancerous....well i hope they're not cancerous. cuz uuhmm... i wanna live? ... well, yeah... they look reall weird.. i have no idea how they got there... and...it's weird.. i gottah go to the doctor LOL

things i like....took me a while to get 3 things out of nothing haha.

well here it goes.

1. PROPORTIONS

~ i don't know how else to describe this...but it means i have an ass LOL well, regardless of my 'fat' and shit... i actually like my 'curves' ... and how my body is shaped and proportioned... i mean... i have a good breast to ass ratio..LOL i sound so whaaack when i typed that.. well, that's what i think anyway.... maybe im not proportioned to others..but to me, i am..i think lol.

2. SMILE

~ im am so fortunate that i got good genes for my smile...for me, someone's smile is very importantaaay. it's the first thing i notice in a guy.. and if it's a genuine smile, it can make someone's day... im not saying my smile does this...i definitely dont think i have the best smile out there....(according the yearbook survey -.-)...but i think my smiles are atleast genuine. MOST OF THE TIME. i like how my cheekbones pop up when i smile, i like my dimples...even though it looks lopsided because one is deeper than the other..i like my teeth.. and thank the lord i didnt have to wear braces. i mean i wore retainers..but only for 2 months...im not even sure why i had them O.o i think my dentist just wanted money...lol jks. but yeah. i like my smile.

3. MY HANDWRITING

~ i couldn't really think of anything else that i like.. but my writing is pretty okay. LOL i get a lot of compliments on them for some reason...and it looks really neat to the point where my teachers praise me for how my notes are so organized...and they are in such awe of my 'neat' writing that they didn't realize my work is incomplete LOOL. so i get away with lots of things with my writing...also, if i wanted to, i could forge my parents' signatures cuz for some reason it's easy for me to copy other people's writing O.o but i would never do that... maybe i did it before...hehe but not anymore... never again. cuz i got caught. :P

alright... im done (:

time for history :P

oh my shitballs.

We got our midterm marks today.

in getting a 93 in religion

an 86 in vocals

an 87 in history

and a 66 in math.

WAIT, WHAT THE SHITBALLS?

a 66 ?!?!?!!?

yeeup. im failing grade 10 math.

well, maybe not "failing"

but that's a fail for me.

anything below 80 is a fail for me..

i can't have this mark...

i CANNOT.

i wanted to cry when my math teacher told me what i got....

pictures of how my parents would kill me started flashing through my mind...

we're getting our report cards next week...

and honestly... i just wanna hide under a rock...

cuz my parents are gonna spazz for sure...

D:

i currently trying to bump up my mark by actually doing my homework...

and paying attention in class...

hopefully i get at least an 80 in our final mark...

or i will literally cook myself and eat myself, then barf myself, then eat my barf. lol

okay

O_o

there's nothing else i can say.

WOW, so this turned into a complete fucking disaster.

i vent out all my feelings to one person,

then they tell you cuz they apparently 'care about me'.

...and then i turn out to the bitch who started shit.

Mmhhhmmm, cuz life fucking loves me.

since telling someone else how i really feel started this whole bonanza,

i kinda of have to talk to you and straighten everything out.

and i want to.

ONE PROBLEM:

talking to you about real shit is the one thing i have been avoiding since our 'break up'

Mostly everyone i asked for advice told me that talking to you IN PERSON would be best...

i totally agree with them

but honestly,

im too much of a wuss to talk to you in person.

i mean, i cant even look at you

cuz doing so brings up memories that im pretty sure i shouldn't be remembering.

i'll be completely honest with you, and say that i did try to phase you out of my life..

and im coming off a a hypocrite because i dont want YOU to phase ME out of you life.

and thts what kindah started this situation...

i thought you were mad at me and i felt like u were phasing me out cuz you dont even tlk to me anymore.

not even a hi.

just so you know, my whole plan of forgetting you didnt exactly work out.

it's physically impossible for me to phase out someone i see every damn day.

and is related to every damn thing i see.

Maybe to you it's easy, but i just can't do it.

i cannot hold grudges...of all people, you should know that.

well, i just wanted to clear out the fact that i didnt mean to 'talk shit'

if you consider what i did 'talking shit'

i just wanted to know if you were mad at me cuz you barely even consider my existence anymore.

the cut-eye thing..lemme explain:

i told Haran that sometimes i feel like you you give me cut-eye...i also said that it was probably me just being paranoid. we even made a joke about it saying that i might've thought you gave me cut-eye, but it's actually just your chinky eyes.

i didnt mean it to be serious...

i mean.... i didnt want it to sound like "oh he hates me and he's a jerk cuz he gave me cut-eye"

honeslty, what i wanted to say was far from that.

im sorry if it came across the wrong way...

i should've made things more clear with Haran..

and just for the record,

i have no intention of talking shit about you.

im just not that type of person.

sorry again.

what a life (:

in the past couple of days, i failed 2 math tests..

found out some shit that i didnt really wanna know,

and i have 2 tests on monday.

what a life.

on a good note,

i have the new youtube downloader!

YAY! (:

here's the site if anyone needs it (:

http://download.cnet.com/YouTube-Downloader/3000-2071_4-10647340.html

just follow the instructions on how to download videos and music & voila!

you got it all (:

12:40

my thoughts and my theories were right.

someone, whom by the way you should not trust, just confirmed my accusations of u.

( i sound like a bootleg cop show )

well, i guess it's official.

you know the funny thing tho?..

i don't even give a puking pegasus about u lol

i mean, here i am...

still the only person who knows the REAL you...

but i could care less about you and what you are making out of your pathetic excuse of a life.

i dont wanna sound cocky or anything like that..

but it really IS your loss.

i sound so mad right now..

maybe i am.

not at you, but at myself.

i feel so stupid for not realizing your potential to murk up my life before.

oh well....

im so over your shit,

everything you put me through,

your stupid lies,

your broken promises.

im so over you.

Done.

i know i've said this so much time already.

but im so sure now.

im done.

perfect one.

oh hai.

i feel kind of lonely.

i know there's other people who feel the same, but..

right now it feels like im the odd one out that will be forever alone.

):

i wanna be someone's PERFECT ONE,

you know what i mean?...

haha k, im warning anyone right now...that this blog entry shall be very cheesy.

so if you don't like cheesy stuffs, i suggest you get out of heerrreee.

maybe this blog is all about love, or all against love.

iunno.

but im sure love is in it somehow.

i mean, it's what i want, right?..

i wnna be loved.

sort of haha

right now maybe isn't the perfect time to have that kind of thing...since im supah busy with school..

but still...

im a teenager, and i want things that i can't have :P

LOVE or whatever y'all wanna call it has betrayed me more than once.

one of these days imma freaking give up on it, i swear.

i don't wanna explain how love betrayed me...i hate trying to remember what happnd.

so let's just say it was hella painful.

and so i want love back, but at the same time i don't anything to do wit it LOL

im so complicated.

iunno.

i think i'll just sit in a corner,

admire people who have already found their "PERFECT ONE"

...and be forever alone.

GOAL GOAL GOAL

kay guys,

since i feel very very very fat today,

i shall make a goal for my self.

PLEASE TAKE NOTE IF YOU GO TO PJPII, CUZ I'M GONNA HAVE TO FULFILL THIS GOAL NO MATTER WHAAAT,

i promise myself..

that next year, i will join the cross-country team.

haha.

no seriously.

i know im not a runner,

and im prolly gonna be the last person to finish any race....

but i need the exercise ROFL

and and and and,

i wanna see half nekkid boys during the meets (:

cuz my friend jana informed me after one of her meets,

that there were sexy bare mans EERRRRRWHEEERRREEE.

it's a win win situation lol.

i get execise,

and entertainment ;D

at the same tiiiime.

so, remeber that peoples... for i will stop at nothing to achieve this goal (:

actually, if i dont feel like it, i wont join...

but so far, all signs point to yes :P

g'niiiite

Thanksgiving 2k10

Last year i posted a thanksgiving blog..

and i put most of the things i am thankful for..

here's a repeat :P

some things i as most thankful for this year (:

IM THANKFUL FOR:

~my mom and dad. They put up with my bullshit errrday

~my sister HAHA she loves me, i know it

~other relatives cuz they will always be there for me

~fooood every year i will be thankful for this...cuz im like its #1 fan haha

~PJPII, vuz i made it rhu grade 9 with ease...

~my brown friends lol cuz they keep me company during lunch

~Mr. Folk. cuz you are just an awesome vocal teacher. and who the hell knew you had a music video?!

~water cuz you quench my thirst ( :

~Mr. Sun cuz you make me smile.

~Peanut ....well, you made stronger

~Mel and Marvin... cuz i think y'all are the only ones who read my blog rofl

~the turkey i just ate like... minute ago

~the IB program? iunno why im thnk ful for ya, but i guess you keep me busy

~the internet, for without it...im dead.

~oh gosh....im sleepy

~OH, SLEEEP. i need yuh

~my 8 lovely ladies... ya'll know who you are <3>

~so much mor things.. but im sleepy so..

goodnight (:

love you like i always do.

People want me to confront you,

and ask you what the hell your intentions really are...

i tell them i already know that you moved on.

i lied.

i actually don't know.

truth is, i'm just scared to confront you..

you're one of the few people i am afraid to have a heart-to-heart conversation with...

even when we were together...

talking to you about serious stuff made me shit bricks...lol

cuz i wasn't used to being so serious with a person before..

i'm still not used to it.

I'm probably never gonna try and talk to you about this...

at least not anytime soon.

maybe in time when i actually figure out what i'm gonna say (:

~even if i don't really know what you're thinking or feeling right now about me,

i have this gut feeling that you still think about me once in a while.

haha, i seem crazy right? but i feel like i should trust this gut feeling, yknow?

last time i had this feeling, i ignored it, and it turned out to be right..

but i was too late to realize it.

i'm not sayen that we'll get back together and all..

and i'm just saying that i have a feeling you don't completely hate me...

and that you're not completely over me.

for one thing,

you posted OUR SONG in your account.

hmmmn, i wonder why?...

lol

and you try to ignore me...

well guess what?!

i read this book about teen psychology...

and it said that guys stop talking to their exes...especially if they were the ones who got dumped...cuz they are simply still trying to get over them.

same thing with girls..

i hate to admit it, but it's kindah true.

i avoided you cuz i wasnt over you yet...and i was forcing myself to move on.

hhhmn, iunno..

maybe im just making excuses...

maybe you're avoiding me cuz...you simply dont care anymore..

i dont know.

i never will for sure.

but like i said...

my gut is tellin me,

tht you'll always have feelings for me,

like i always will for you (:

holy shucks.

ohhhhhmaaaan.....

it's almost 3am in the morning, it's a school night...

why in hell am i still awake?

well, lemme tell you.

i hve a vocal test tmrw LOL

and we have to sing the gayest song ever. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

well, it's not rlly a gay song...it just pisses me off how hard it is to sing D;

i have been practicing since i got home...

and im still kindah scared

i cant sleep cuz i keep thinking about it..

and failing a damn elective course )x

im soooo scared. i dont like singing infront of people...alone.

why did i choose this course?..

cuz im stupid. LOL

atleast i have jana with me ^.^

i might drag her down with my frog voice,

but maybe she can camouflage me with her angelic voice (:

im very much hoping fr that.

ugh, i cant sleep...

what to doooooo....

i cant really practice singing right now, cuz my momma and poppa are sleeping alrdy...

D;

i hope i dnt fail.

especially infront of the beast, the sun, and the peanut LOL

im using code names cuz i kno mel or marvin might be reading this :P

hi guys (:

annnnnyyywwwaaaaaaay,

im gonna go to youtube now and put BEAUTY AND THE BEAST on replay...

until i fall asleep (:

gooood.....morning

PERFECTION.

if i had to paint a picture of perfection, it would be you.

maybe im just sayen this cuz i don't now you well enough, but right now..

i really am jealous of you.

Is the universe tryna tell me that i can't be like you?.. ever?

cuz everything i wanna be is you.

everything i want, you have.

THE TWO PEOPLE I WANNA BE WITH ARE ALWAYS WITH YOU.

why in the hell?..

it makes me wanna just stab you and steal all your freaking talents... lol

sounds a little morbid, sorry.

but honestly, why why why?

maybe im having that tween body image issue shit again..

maybe not.

but stop being perfect.

i know that looking for people's flaws won't make me any better,

but it would make me feels nice just to find something wrong with you.

maybe you're not human haha

it's kindah weird sayen all this crap about a girl...

kindah homo, but i do not intend it to be...

im just really jealous >.<

They say no human is perfect...

so what the fuck are you? ..

surprising turn of events...

so that's all it took for you to talk to me?..

LOL i feel so STOOOPEEEED.

I'm starting to think now that i play a big part on the drifting away from each other situation...

cuz i always thought that you DONT wanna talk to me or w/e

but in the last two days,

i tried my very best to not ignore you in the halls,

i tried so hard to say hi and NOT look desperate for a reply.

one time i said hi and you replied without even looking at me..

ouch.

haha, but it was good enough for me.

anyway.. all that 'hard work' paid off i guess :P

you finally talked to me...

started a conversation...

SUCCESS.

i missed it so much.

harhar.

when you asked me that question, in my mind i was like:

Is he talking to me? ... Can't be. He must be talking to the girl beside me. But he said my name...what the heck? i didn't plane for this...what do i do now?

i kindah panicked LOL.

but i missed how u talk to me as a friend.

i felt like we were friends again lool.

but i know it's gonna take much more talking to get to that point...

but we're going somewhere,

right?

what the hell.

we had vocals today...

well we have vocals everyday...but

we had a test type of thing today to figure out if we're soprano, alto, or w/e

i totally bombed it haha

i was SOOO OFF TUNE.

like i felt bad for my teacher lmfao.

and the poor man was so disoriented by my voice that he assigned me to be a soprano...

was i that bad that he put me in the first group he thought of ?...

ugh..

i feel really bad for him still..

he might be having nightmares of my singing,

Sorry, sir..

aaaah shit.

ohmaaan,

that must've hurt.

i feel bad fo' ya kid.

this is getting so bipolar.

okay guysss...

im gonna try and make this as short as possible cuz im supposed to be doing my homework atm...

but obviously im kindah lofting.

lmao.

Lemme talk about my past blog that was titled "ew, im a sophomore"

i don't know if anyone noticed, but there was an invisible message there lol.

so, if u read tht hidden message....

i just wanna say that i take it back.

it was a little too harsh....i was just really upset at the moment and i wanted to vent sooo bad.. it just came out the wrong way you know?

kay,

so lemme re-blog the whole point of that message in better terms:

okay fine. i admit. maybe i do still have some feelings for you....i mean, it's really not that easy to get over you. you WERE my official first.. so, it was obviously not nearly as easy as you had it....i KNOW you got over me pretty quickly.. within the first week i heard from a mutual fried that you liked someone else. and that hurt. just sayen. i wrote in my blog how i "HATE" you and poop like that. but honestly, i dont. i just really hate the fact that you didnt keep any of your promises.. i understand that waiting for years is too much to ask a 14 year old pubescent male for...but you never even said sorry. you never said a proper goodbye. you never gave a me a proper explanation. you never told me you moved on. you never stayed friends with me like you promised. thats my real dilemma. NOT YOU. it's what you said you'd do, but never did. It's really hard to move on with a one-sided closure to the situation. i never got closure from you, so i don't really know what to think. actaully, i do, but my heart tells me otherwise. kindah cheesy, but its the truth. You don't even say hi anymore...i feel like i did something wrong... honestly, if i did TELL ME. cuz i honestly dont kno...i mean asking you to wait four years blah blah and breaking up with you and 'breaking your heart' was bad...but i apologized like a kajillion times. if you still hold it against me, than i really have nothing else to do. i did all i could and i tried. Truth is, when we broke up, i wanted you back. i was willing to risk my parents' trust just to be with you. But then i fond out you liked this other chick. so i just kept it to myself....and it hurt sooo bad. it was like holding back vomit. my throat was burning...cuz i didnt say what i wanted to say (weird analogy, but w/e). That's when it got awkward....because i didnt and couldnt say that i wanted you back...i stayed away from you. but i didnt really have to, cuz you stayed away form me. cuz seeing you in the halls, in woodshop, and vocals now..... just makes that word vomit keep going higher up in my throat.. and its harder to contain myself. so if i dont say hi to you, that's why. cuz im afraid i might say something that you weren't meant to hear. Something that would change everything.. and i dont want change... cuz you're happy now. and the last thing i wanna do is change that, you know?....i forgive you. but it still really hard cuz you never apologized...but oh well... i know one day you're gonna find out all of this shit ...if not from someone who read it from here, it would be from me. cuz i cannot hold this word vomit forever. one day, im just gonna puke it all out to you... and you're gonna be so overwhelmed... and im sorry in advance. LOL That day isnt gonna be soon tho....maybe in 3/4 years? lol. ugh whatever.

night.

gottah do my homework. (:

cuuuuuuties (:

OHMY.

theres some cute niners in my school..

LOL

no gonna lie, but my generation is butt uglaaay.

Theres this guy who looks like BLANK but is kindah sortah cuter...

the thing is, he looks like a player.

anyway.

lemme talk to you guys about Vitamins :P

so vitamins dissed me today,

sayen i was soft cuz i didnt finish my damn homework.

what an ass.

the thing is,

vitamins is sooooo adorable.

mhhhmm, he's such a cuties.

he's like part of the 10% of my generation that is cute :P

im so mean.

anyway,

i should finish my homework...

just to prove him wrong that i CAN survive IB (:

guuuuurl.

ohman guys...

this weekend, i have been painting my nails and shaping my eyebrows and such...

and my mom was like "you're turning into a girl!"

uhhhm, haven't i always been a girl?

apparently im turning into a woman O.O

im not really sure about tht... i mean i just painted my nails ...

ok w/e

my mom's probably over reacting. lol

ew, im a sophmore.

Today was the second day of my second year of highschool, and i'm already stressed. lol

im so new to this IB shit...like wow.

i keep tellin myself i can do it, but maybe there's a bigger chance that i can't. haha. im such a pessimist.

I hate history, like always...im pretty sure i mentioned it in my blog when i was in grade 8 that i absolutely despise history (:

well, i ugess its not that bad. i just really dnt like all that reading and writeing and memorizing. D:

too much work...

oh well, i practically signed up for a ton of work by joining IB.

Uhm... what else is new ?

I actually finished all my work now... and its exactly 12:00am lol

OMG i was almost late today.

i came to school at exactly 8:26 ....then i speed-walekd my way to religion. (:

speaking of religion, it's actually very interesting.

we're learning T.O.K. (Theory Of Knowledge)

it makes me question so much shit. Like, what caused the big bang theory? can everything actually be explained by science? am i actaully human? LMFAO. it's too cool.

uhm, my second period is vocals with JANA BANANA (:

it's okay i guess... i mean today's lesson or class or whatever you call it was better than yesterday :P

we actually sang today haha... i thought i would be off-tune but i wasnt..

atleast i thought i wasnt. -.-

it wud really suck if i was tone-deaf and couldn't know if i was off-tune or on-tune....

Oh and you.

ohmy goodness, i know i told myself that i would stop talking about you behind your back..but really i cant stand being in the same class as you.

it hits the very nerve of my patience. I know you liked her...u told me... and i have proof. i have the fucken conversation we had. I can't just sit there see you flirting with her. Wait, why the fuck am i jealous? aren't i over you? i am. i think. Maybe. i don't know. She has a boyfriend for crying out loud. but you know what, theres so much more things that bother me being in vocals with you. She's not the only person you are friendly with. not that i care. okay, maybe i do. but atleast have the respect not to do it infront of me. cuz it still hurts a little. i don't know if you're just too oblivious to the fact that its killing me, or you wanna make me think you've moved on. Honestly, i knew you moved on since TIME. since the start of grade 9 second semester. i knew you liked someone else. I actually wanted you back, before i found out you were on tips with someone else. i was gonna take you back and hide everything from my parents just so we could be together, ucz i missed you like crazy. a week before i was gonna talk to you, you started driftin away from me...not going to my locker area, not talkign to me or saying hi... i had to say hi or hello first, which was like a slight slap in the face. Then i find out from one of our mutual friends that you like someone else? oh man. that was a snake bite right there. im pretty sure you promised to tell me tht if you liked someone else you would tell me FIRST. and i promised the same thing. you broke it. so it didnt bother keeping tht intact either. ive liked a couple of guys since then, and i never told you. well, you know what? i have no respect for you what so ever. you can do your thing, with your bald head, or whatever. you can chop some niner or a junior and get them pregnant I DON'T CARE. cuz you never even said sorry. you never said a proper goodbye. you never kept your promise. you said you would be my friend, but what kind of fucked-up friend would do that? .... all i need is an apology and im good. but for now, i have a passionate hate for you. See you tomorrow, douchebag.

any way, goodnight/mornin' (:

fifteen.

it's probably September 2 already.. but most people know that September 1st is my date of birth LOL

uhh, i turned fifteen today/yesterday.

at first when i woke up at 7 in the frekaing morning, i didnt feel any different.

Like nothin happnd at all haha.

Well, that all changed later that day.

I had a party inviting all my closest friends.

I actually thought it would be very awkward since there was a little tension that was going on between that group.

Actually, there was somewhat an awkward atmosphere in the beginning.

we watched the black version of the grudge LOL

it was stupid...i honestly didnt understand the plot of tht movie. it was craaaaaaaaaap.

then we decided to play this game called "Box of Questions"

haha, inspired by the Jersey Shore cast :P

anyway, we played 4 round i think?

and every round got more and more intense.

Lots of shit went down, good shit tho..if there is such thaang.

People confessed, apologized, explained, the whole enchalada.

it was good. it brought all of us together in a very weird way.

I STILL WANNA KNO WHO WROTE THT CHEESE NOTE THO D;

hahaha, i have a feeling i kno who it is lol...

but im not gnna point fingers(:

so anywhooo, the tension slowly broke down...

it was actually very emotional.

I CRIED, BELIEVE IT OR NOT HAHA.

im pretty sure all of us teared up.

after all of that emo stuff LOL,

we decided to have a cake fight. oh man, icing EVERYWHERE.

it was too fun...

obviously we cleaned up cuz my asian ass parents would def. scold me for tht.

uhhhm, all in all it was a fucken good day (Y)

it was nice fixing all the shit the same day i turned fifteen.

it made me feel special ahaha.

A message to my girls,

Steffi Marcos

Remira Melendrez

Joanne Berja

Michelle Delamasa

Louise Salvador

Nathalie Panelo

Kristin Carnate

Jana Paynor

~Y'all are amazing. i don't even have the right words to describe it. You made my birthday so damn amazing, that i don't think any of my next birthdays will ever top it haha. Thank you all for the gifts and food, and cards. I very much appreciate it. I really regret not keeping in touch with all of you after graduation. Honestly, freshman year was so shit for me w/o you guys. My mind was set on dumb and senseless shit that i didnt realize i was slowly drifting away. If i didnt have Jana with me, i would've definitely had a break down. I didnt really have anyone to talk to...and no one to cry to (gettin a little cheesy here lol) But now i know i got 8 lovely ladies who got my back. And i definitely got all of y'all. i have pretty wide shoulders, so if you need a person to cry on...COME TO MOMMA. lmfao. You guys are the bomb-diggity. i love you all. I promise you that i will never forget this day. You guys will always have a place in my heart. *bows* lol.

no seriously tho, NOTHING, NOT EVEN A BLACK GRUDGE, WILL EVER TEAR US APART NOW. cuz we stuck like glue.

hahaha, y'all are the cheese to mah macaroni, the music to my ears, the nails on my toes and the apple to my pie.

and to quote steph, "..You guys can't be replaced..." <3

haha im getting very corny, so imma end this.

i love you guys, and thank you for everything (:

best birthday to date.

Let's talk about trust...

People say it's the base of every relationship.

without trust, frienship is nothing.

and without trust, you can't give your heart away just like that.

it's everywhere.

not exactly sure who has it...

im not even sure if IM worthy of it.

i mean... sure you can tell me anything,

ill definitely listen..

thts the one thing i am very very very very good at.

but if it includes someone

and the information i heard could possibly harm them..

or anyone else..

i would have to open my mouth.

Telling secrets is one thing,

and talking shit is another.

I'm not sure if this makes me a big mouth or

a gossiper

or whatever they call it.

honestly,

i dnt know & i dnt care

TRUST.

i trust myself with secrets,

i trust myself that if i know someone will get hurt,

i will do my best to stop it.

even if it makes me look like a snake.

Trust should be double sided.

if i dont trust you, you shouldn't trust me.

although, i can count how many people i dont trust in one hand...

so it's def. unlikely tht i dnt trust you,

to trust is to love.

LOVE YOU ALL.

:P

im so cheddar LOL.