I get tired of people so easily. I'm terrible.

Nothing is going right. Nothing. 

For once, I just want to feel loved. 

I'm kind of really sorta a lot lonely . . . 

Guilt is transparent

You're just like her. 

I'm just feeling all sorts of ways that I don't know how to put into words welp

What the hell am I doing

I'm like 100% stressed right and it's weird bc I don't look like I'm stressed. I'm acting like nothing is wrong as if I'm in the denial stage. But I KNOW I'm stressed. Somehow I think my body is making me deny the fact. I don't think anyone in the near proximity understands how I feel. I am trying to pull up my GPA from an imminent drop, I'm juggling a job that I abosolutely despise, AND I'm trying to impress white collared executives in big-wig companies to give me a damn coop job that is apparently com-fucking-pulsarsy now that I agreed (and paid for) the coop extension to my program. It was hard enough to be considered for coop and now I'm busting my ass trying to seem like I'm fcking qualified to handle big company data & tech. Like wtf. I'm competing with people that go to Schulich and Waterloo and UofT and McMaster. Ryerson isn't even in the same league as those schools in terms of reputation. And unfortunately it's all about rep nowadays. I'm at my fucking wits end. I'm actually a ticking timebomb and I'm going to explode any second now bc honeslty this is way too much. I know people have it worse, but I'm not as resilient lol I hate to admit I am a weakling and can handle stress easily, but it's true. IB drained all my patience and perseverance. It's gone lol and even though it's been 2 years I'm honeslty still dreading those days. 

Oh, and amidst all the academia problems and employment difficulties...my family decides to fuck me up even more. Not my whole family. Mostly my father who has no idea how the hell I'm living my life. To his eyes, I'm a lazy fuck who only goes home to sleep and eat, and always goes out with friends, is a pig for not doing laundry for a month and not cleaning her room, and an inconsiderate shit for not washing dishes or walking the dog.

 Ok. Well. First off, I cannot study at home for shit. Which is why I stay in school until the midnight fucking hour in the damn library trying to compress the damn onslaught of info given to me by my 5 courses. I go to work in the weekends to pay for my own fucking tuition bc I don't want to burden my parents. I go home to sleep and eat bc that's all I can do. I come home exhausted all the time. Is that so hard to understand? I don't go out all the time with my friends. I see them maybe once a fucking month if I'm lucky. I see them all together during birthdays. I don't get why he thinks I go out all the time when I'm literally either at work or at school. I don't do laundry as often and leave my room messy bc I don't have time and again, I'm fucking exhausted. Also to be honest, the mess in my room makes me feel less lonely. Clutter around me makes me feel like maybe my life isn't the messiest pile of shit out there. I DO walk the fucking dog. I do it when my parents aren't home and I'm the only one who walks her so it is a completely groundless accusation to say that I don't. I don't wash the dishes bc why the fuck would I wash the pile of dishes that YOU used while you were AT HOME right when I get home EXHAUSTED from WORK and SCHOOL? I mean is that reasonable? I know my dad cooks and pays the bills and blah blah and it's the least I can do blah blah.. But does he not get that I am juggling so much? I get home from shool at like...7 at the earliest and 11:30 from work (if I didn't stay longer). My dad gets home at 6 and has no work during weekends. Is it reasonable to tell ME to wash the dishes? When you've been home HOURS before me? I don't get it. Maybe I'm being a selfish fuck rn but I just..don't understand. I'm ok with a plate or two. But this man literally leaves the whole kitchen in the damn sink for me to wash...and sometimes I'm too tired to argue so I just do them. But like enough is enough. If you use dishes, wash them right after. Why are you gonna pile it the fuck up and wait for me to get home for them to be washed? I don't gET IT!!!!! He has never been in a situation where he ha to juggle school & work bc in the Philippines it's illegal for a student to be working at the same time. His mother paid for his tuition. So he has NO right to say I have it easier here in Canada. He has NO right to say I'm lazy. He has NO FUCKING RIGHT to accuse me of not having my priorities straight. 

I'm so done goodbye. I can't even continue to rant anymore bc I'm just going to cry. 

.

I'm being a bitter melon 

Re[solutions]

I'm feeling a bit sentimental today, so I'll post another entry. 
Since it's the new year, I should really make a resolution list. 

Looking at my 2014 resolutions, I think I've done at least 5 out of 14 thing I listed. 
Not too shabby. I listed 14 things last year, so does that mean I need to list 15 this year? 
I'm guessing... 

So here it goes: 

1. Apply to at least 5 coop listings - Get into one (: 
2. Walk Mochi regularly..& teach her more tricks 
3. Exercise. (This one has been on my list for the past 5yrs, but I have yet to follow through       all year long.)
4. Go clubbing. At least just try it. 
5. Quit Tim Hortons. please. the sooner the better.
6. Spend more time with G95 
7. Get G license 
8. Travel out of the country
9. Save? Money? 
10. Make a new friend. 
11. Rebuild burnt bridges(?)
12. Simmer down on the delusion that is Jeon Jeongguk 
13. Get a new phone 
14. Better grades...You're GPA standing is OK...but OK doesn't get you on the dean's list. 
15. JSPR and/or SISTAR19 COVER PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PL PLS PLS 

2014

Ahh..I'm back. 

It's kind of a tradition for me to come back here and summarize the past year. so ok.

This was my 2014

(it may or may not be in order, but i tried my best) 

-Leader Li's and Aalili's birthday celebration @ Chakos w/ G95 

-semester 2 of first year

-got a job @ Tim Hortons

-got "close" to maple pecan danish

-winter olympics (?)

-surprised Jana w/ cake on her birthday (with Kathleen)...and watched Frozen with her family

-MOCHI!!!

-random JKS dates

-Kathleen's birthday

-Pat's birthday --> surprised her w/ a green tea frap (with Kathleen)

-A SHIP HAS SUNK 

-Niagara falls 

-Jungkook's birthday 

-g95 got me birthday gifts!

-2nd year 1st semester 

-maple pecan danish said goodbye

-pho w/ a fuqboi

-"THIS AIN'T A SEX SHOW"

-spontaneous JSPR formation 

-JPSR practices

-signing up for goodlife 7day free membership lol 

-"where are you from?" 

-UP diss marathons 

-got into coop! 

-failed (almost) Accounting midterm

-hiatus on kpop and life

-Study date w/ Pat & Kathleen...spontaneous sleepover

-passed exams 

-christmas break! 

-that damned SOFA cover 

-spontaneous kathleen date

-Pmall date with Patricia

- annual g95 Christmas party!!! & Rowena's birthday celebration!! (failed attempt to get crunk)

-Christmas 

-i spent $50 on yesstyle...why

-New Years 

-Booyah 

ayyyye.... so idk if i missed any important events, but the ones listed are the most memorable ones. 

Idk is 2014 was good or bad to be completely honest. There some thing i wish i could've changed or prevented...but i think it was OK. Next year, I'm turning 20. There are about a million things i want to do before i reach my 2 decade mark. Also, this is my last year to become a teen mom...so....fingers crossed i make it 20 without child. LOL