hey gurl, heeeey ;P

okay i am super duper annoyed right now.

a lot of factors have made this situation worse.

it's going to be hard to elaborate on that since my blog is now public and

a lot of people have the ability to read whatever is on here...

so while i'm thinking about ways to describe my predicament without

revealing any identities,

imma just talk about the good things that happened to me today.

well...i didn't fail the written part of my bio test!!

in fact, i got an 86!

how lovely! lmfao i actually studied for it, so...

i guess i sort of deserved it, but i'm pretty sure LUCK had a lot to do with it.

uhmmm...also we had like NO HOMEWORK.

well...i still have things to do...

but not the usual full sched.

so yay

okay i'm too lazy to talk about my problems.

plus, i kind of forgot what it was.

lol

time to do some zone work.

and the bio lab

oh, IB.

food chain

lol don't mind the title...it's just the first thing i saw

since i'm doing my bio homework right now.

today was extremely good for me lol

it kind of gave me hope that i would get through my current rough patch with

this emotional sentimental garbage.

w/e you wanna call it.

i CAN get through this.

and i do not need anybody

to be happy (:

wut

i'm so stoopid, honestly.

i cannot make up my mind on how i feel about you.

some days i wanna stab your face,

and some days i just...wanna talk to you.

But you know what?

this is not my fault.

well, it is partially, but you have a part in it toooooo

i mean, MAKE UP YOUR MIND..lol

i'm being a hypocrite atm, but WUH-EVAH

most days you don't even acknowledge my existence...

we have eye-contact...then you look away like i was transparent.

and in extremely rare days like today... you say hi to me like no bad blood was shed between us.

like...what in the butt?

either phase me out completely so i can get over your ass

or

talk to me so i can get a proper closure to GET OVER YOUR ASS, and we can be friends.

i'd like the second one better...

but it's the harder option.

i can be the bigger person and be the one who acknowledges you first,

but...

honestly, the fact that you have the power to just shoot me down, the fact that you can refuse being friends with me, the fact that you might hate me because of the choices i made....terrifies the shit out of me.

i just can't deal with exerting a maximum amount of effort into reconnecting with you, and just end up as a failure.

i can't.

it might sound cheesy, but i don't wanna lose you again.

as a friend.

cuz honestly, we did not have stupid arguments until we were "official".

none of this crap would have happened if you didn't pursue me, and i didn't pursue you.

it wouldn't be as awkward now if we just stayed friends in the first place.

but that was quite inevitable.

we were young, pubescent teenagers that craved affection.

but somehow acting upon those emotions ruined us.

so our friendship was the best relationship we had.

and hopefully we will have again soon.

the next rant will probably be about you being an ass,

but you know...

i think i seem mad and say i loath you because i try to block out my feelings for you with hate.

i mean...i still care.

but i don't want to because of the possibility that you don't want me to give a rat's ass.

then i would be wasting my energy.

idk, man.

i'm crazy confused with myself right now.

time to get a little bit rowdy.

So I'm here to rant about IB.

not really rant...

but i wanna just give myself a pep talk lol.

today, i got an assignment back from my math teacher...

honestly, i thought i did pretty good...

but then i look at the mark. i got a 1/12.

my heart felt like it dropped to my stomach and the gastric acids started to denature it.

i felt defeated and the rest of the class, i did not listen to the lesson at all.

i was just. shocked.

i never ever in my life gotten anything within 1 digit percentage.

1/12 ... that's 8 percent.

like holy fuck.

this is my wake up call.

i cannot just sit here waiting for the grade to come to me.

i need to work for it.

i need to stop with all of these distractions.

i need to block out stress, and think of it as only a psychological thing.

sleep is not needed. lol

yes it is...

but like.

i need to focus.

it's almost 12am an i have business homework, a biology test to study for, a math lesson to learn since i did not listen today, an i have to get started on a math assignment that is due on wednesday which is the same day as our chapter 5 math test.

math is right now my weakest link.

tomorrow evening is the awards night, and i feel extremely defeated that i did not get a single award.

not even honour roll.

i need to step it up.

no more slacking.

sleep is now optional.

i will now make myself a cup of coffee and do whatever i can to bring all my marks up, especially math.

good bye (:

11.3.11

i have tons to talk about but i have so much work to do that i have to

spend only 7 minutes writing this.

okay so IB is okay now i guess..

i mean im used to it LOL

biology is pissing me off...but i'm trying to NOT rationalize and just do the damn work

french is also making me wanna drop

our teacher is just cray cray...so w/e

uhm...

crosscountry ended.

i mean it had a good run (pun intended)

the people made it extremely fun (:

the running....it was aiiight.

im pretty sure i was on 2nd last on the last race...but w/e

2 girls i wann talk abotu today.

first one...idk anymore

nuff said.

2nd gyal...well...

honestly, im happy for you. i'm happy that you're finally coming out of your shell.

well...i WANNA be happy for you..

but somehow...the way that you're coming out of your box...

it bothers me.

i mean.....i don't like HIM anymore...

that's long gone..but

somehow..when you guys talk and all that jazz...

something deep within me wants to cry of frustration

im still not sure why....but yeah

.........1 minute to go...

well...

i have nothing else to say...

but it's partially cuz i have been sleeping at like 3am in the morning

it ain't good.

it cooks up my brain..

but it has to be done

because IB is the devil's way of toturing highschool kids like me.

so yeah

times up.

BYE <3