i have so much to talk about, so this one is going to be hella long.
so first, i shall talk about Valentine's Day.
it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be (:
i got some chocolate rose buds from the best people evar.
and it was a good day.
I realized you don't need a valentine to be happy on the 14th of february.
you just need people you love around you, and that's what i had.
Another thing i would like to talk about is table-tennis.
uhhm... i'm in the team as usual lol with my awesome sister chromatid. love her with all my heart.
trex is also in it. well, i'm not sure yet itf he's going to get cut or not...but he's cool.
i met a new friend named Christen. she's Chinese and in grade 10 lol
she's pretty chill. and she seems like the kind of person i would hand out with.
so that's good.
i love my coaches, Mr. Leznoff and Dr. A
i just adore them.
everything about the team is going good...
except for one thing.
tmnt is apparently joining. crap.
i DID say that i did not want to be affiliated with him in my sort of recent post,
but how can i not be affiliated with him when he is in the team with me?
like wtf.
also, i cannot focus when he's around. it's not good for my game.
in our last practice, he went against me and i lost. i got ZERO points.
i'm not amazing, but i know for a fact that i can do better than that.
i really don't want him to join the team.
i can't have a distraction in the only sport i can be sort of good at.
i cannot allow myself to fall for this guy again and set up myself for heartbreak.
i can't have that.
i just cannot.
but what can i do?...
it's gonna happen and i feel so helpless about the situation.
the best i can do is just ignore the hell out of him. and just FOCUS on the game.
and he needs to wear a shirt with sleeves b/c his arms...they attract my eyes lol
ANYWAY. i really don't want him in the team.
OH YAH I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
before Valentine's Day...like literally a day before...
i did a good deed.
i didn't really expect myself to do it.
but it seemed like God set it up for me.
like a test.
whether i would do the right thing or not.
so lemme explain.
so i was with my LUNCH crew and we decided to buy some candy-grams for our friends for vday.
i had 5 dollars and the candy-grams were 50 cents each.
i was going to buy 10 and spend all my money.
but then i was like...no just buy 6 with 3 dollars and have 2 dollars for some type of emergency.
and so i followed my gut.
then, as i was writing out my messages on those little pieces of paper...
i heard someone say to my friend, mel: do you have a dollar?
mel said no. but i remembered that i had 2 dollars left..
i was going to get a pizza slice...but then i felt like being good that day
so i gave mel the 2 dollars and for some reason...i told him not to say that it was from me.
i have no clue why i did that. my gut just told tyme to do it.
and so mel gave the guy $2.
i then realized that it was voldy who asked for the money.
then i was like: ohhhh...
i felt really good about that deed.
i wouldn't have offered my money if i knew it was him.
it cannot be a coincidence that i didnt not spend all my money on candy-grams that day and have my gut tell me that i can't tell the person that the money came from me. it was God lol freaaal i know it was him.
so now, i feel like i'm that much closer to being a better person.
Another thing i wanna talk about was last night.
lol it was the day of semi-formal...
but me and my friends didn't go.
i personally wanted to go.
but i had no date. i know that's not a legit excuse to not go, but none of my friends were going either. even if i forced them to.
so if i went, i would have been a loner in the corner. no, i'm not down with that ;P
so me and my friends planned a semi-casual at kathy's house..
we had fun a handful of people came.
i did kathy's hair (she looked gorgeous, more gorgeous than usual) and sister chromatid's hair (she was just...i can't even explain. i almost cried)
ANYWAY
the ones closest to my heart came and i was really happy. i wish a few more important people came...like patty, but she was busy.
it was fine, though.
we played Just Dance, truth or dare, pool, and all that jazz.
we opened up to each other and i feel like we're so much closer now.
i love them, i really do.
Last thing i want to talk about is voldy. hey voldy. lol
it ain't gon be a rant. it ain't somehting bad, surprisingly.
it ain't something about loving or liking him either. so calm down.
today, i logged on to fb like usual and i see semi pictures...because last night was semi, duh.
uhhmm and i see pictures of voldy and his new girlfriend. lol
at first glance, i thought my heart was just ready to die.
but i rubbed my eyes and looked at it. adjusted to it.
and i didn't feel anything.
no rage. no jealousy. no nothing.
it was just a picture. of my ex with his new girlfriend.
nbd.
they look good together.
she's actually quite pretty.
i am not in the slightest bothered by it, which bother me a little bit. lol
does that statement make sense?
but yeah.
i don't know why i had no emotion towards these pictures.
a week ago, i would have been fuming if i saw this. i would have had a break down. i would have ranted to blogger and ate and ate and ate.
but i didn't.
so does this mean i'm over him?
or does it mean that he's made me numb of all emotion that i just can't react to it?
idk.
i think it's the first one. well, i'm hoping it is.
i realize that he's just a guy that i had a relationship with.
yes, i loved him. and i would like to think that he loved me back.
but that's done now.
he doesn't love me anymore and i don't love him the same way anymore.
we just stopped, and it's that simple.
i have been complicating it in my mind for the last couple of years.
and that was a stupid thing to do.
i'm happy that he's happy.
it's all good!
he still occupies that special place in my heart, but in time...imma have to evict him ;P
because i ain't planning on being single forever LOL
but i won't forget him. he will eventually get kicked out of my heart, but he will move to my mind as memory.
a good memory.
i DO want closure, though.
and i will try to initiate it, but...
i won't get my hopes up.
so. i'm happy now.
yes, it still stings that i'm single. but who the fck cares?
i'm single and i can do whatever i want.
eventually i will be in a relationship, but not now.
i wanna enjoy this while i can.
and if i do decide to end my single life,
i will be critical of who will end it.
imma go IB on him and be as sure as possible that i won't get hurt.
there's always the possibility of heartbreak (obvi), but i know how to deal with it now.
i'm not gonna sulk, i'm going to accept it and move on with my life.
all thanks to voldy.
hey, remind me to say this whole speech to him one day when we become friends again.
lol
but yeah.
it will take a very special guy to make me leave my privileges as a single gyal...
i will not settle, and he better not take me as a settlement.
because even though i sometimes love too easily, i love HARD.. with all my heart.
so he would be lucky. lol
the end (:
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